my first guest is a good friend I still
think
he was rooting for me on the monologue
he says I'm really rooting to see how
they're going to be he's got one of the
better shows on television this year as
his first show was some years ago the
series is called New Heart
clever title dreamed up by the people
it's on Monday nights at 9 30. I wish
was I was wish was on
I wish it was on here
this network but it's not
but he is now would you welcome and make
him feel welcome
let's meet and greet Bob Newhart
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
you see I don't lie out there during the
month no I just happen to mention the
last thing I said is I hit it through
the curtains right well I have seen
shows
where the monologue didn't go all that
well and I felt a certain testing that's
crept into your right your attitude
toward the rest of the evening
for the monologue so if the monologue
sets in you know that everything is
going to work okay for me yeah
see I figured I had figured that uh
with Tony Quinn on the show I figured
Tony would come out first because he's
the bigger star and uh so well thank you
right on cue
a little plant never ever
thank you Mom that's the old picture
but then I that would be like a buffer
between the monologue and myself but
then I found out just before you were
coming out that I was coming out
immediately following the model the
monologue and well actually it worked
very nicely tonight well you have a
lovely audience yes you're playing that
old cheap trick now
you really get going here no you can
tell uh I as you know I've guessed I
assume you know I guess hosted the show
of course I know what do you mean I
don't know I don't know when you're off
if you check with people who's on or
anything I watch when you've guest
hosted and I've seen you come out
sometimes that's right and eyes material
well I've come out and uh not the
hottest audience in the world where uh
the Applause die out before you reach
the star spawner
yeah but this is a hot audience oh
they're hot tonight I'm not carrying
favor no I understand that I'm also not
here to plug anything I mean it's not
crass commercialism that brings me here
I just I enjoy talking to you and I know
you do I'd rather talk at home but this
is a
the only place anyone can talk to you so
I have nothing to plug I have absolutely
nothing to plug I don't have well
there's no pictures nothing coming up no
Hotel dates no no
we don't do much of that anymore because
the show takes all your time right well
it takes a lot of the time yeah I still
I travel on the road I mean I still do
one-nighters you know right that kind of
thing but nothing to plug
not really no chance
because Johnny Quinn ready
Tony's got a lot
of I always assumed you were Irish
People magazine had an article recently
said you were
one quarter German well I'm yeah I'm
three quarters Irish one quarter German
I didn't know that which makes me I have
the German name during the war we we
called ourselves alsatians alsatians
The Alsatian family yeah but of course I
never thought of that and uh but I'm
actually three-quarters Irish which
makes me a very meticulous drunk
see German I don't know of any German
comedians because German people most a
lot of German people do not have
a sense of humor you know they're not
known for us probably basically true
yeah they're very literal people right
they're um
someone once said that more funny things
are said at a cocktail party in Paris
than in the entire year in Germany
but they're very literal you know and
they don't uh they don't understand
Americans because we're non-literal
we're like a German would say why why
would you call this man curly he has no
hair at all
someone curly who has no hair
that's not funny and Tiny is at least
355.
yeah Dick Cavett was telling me he
appeared on a German television show
once and it was horrendous because he
would try to say something amusing and
then the guy in Germany would say and so
forth and that people just sat there and
because it was probably some play on
words or something it meant absolutely
nothing but even when like the
Volkswagen you I got the feeling
when they made it you know they say this
is one of the finest cars it's a very
economical car and you say well what are
the little holes in the in the Sci-Fi
that's that's ventilation that's for
ventilation
you might put a machine gun in there
[Laughter]
serves two purposes in case things just
in case did you ever play in front of a
you've never played in German yet no I
would have no reason to I mean you see
no that's true but singers you see can
go and sing all over the world even if
they don't understand it and enjoy the
music but I would think trying to
entertain in another country where they
didn't really know it would be very
difficult yeah I I uh but England you
work England haven't you yeah but they
speak English
well I'm aware of that but I mean
the point you were trying to make was
going to a foreign country
uh where they would speak I think I
think the point we're trying no no no oh
I'm sorry England is still a foreign
country yes
although they do speak English that's
right of course why now the point is
the cultural things in English oh oh I
certain the speech patterns rhythms and
so forth
um are different there true even though
it is a foreign country
are you good before I refer to I guess
somebody from as a foreigner
sure sure
have you ever have you ever worked in
England no yes yes I have okay now my
next question is because if they didn't
give me this job because I don't know
how to ask questions
you see why so many guys have dropped
along the way exactly don't
don't watch them in any kind of sequence
uh incisely deep penetrating and that's
an audition that you have for this so my
next logical question would be how did
you do there
uh very well
but I mean even if I didn't do very well
I'm not going to say I didn't do that
why would you want to blab that around
that's right I'll tell you where I
didn't do well where's that
in Australia I did very poorly now they
speak English they're also yes they do
that's another of what we call the
English-speaking country
it's a big island
Britain is a big island too you know so
I I don't think Ireland had anything to
do with it I just
I we picked the wrong time as they roll
something across the ceiling just now
yes upstairs
okay I just heard some rumbling because
I remember years ago when you were here
we had that earthquake and your building
started to rumble and anyway you played
Australia played Australia didn't really
do all that well it um
showed up first of all it's a 22 hour
flight right which I'm not all that
crazy about and uh we arrived and um I
was going down to rehearse and I as as
my custom I went to the maitre d and I
said uh
how many people do we have tonight and
he said
we have um
14.
14 just 14 people and so I figure well
maybe Monday is a bad night in Australia
and
so I said how many do we have tomorrow
and he said we have tomorrow let me see
we have nine
and I said well how many for Wednesday
and he said we
we don't have any foreign
and it was awful and Jenny when you
still went out and I am I had to I mean
I
Jenny was sore from the flight so she
went it happened to be the hotel
happened to be in the r r District of
Sydney right where the during the
Vietnamese War the soldiers would come
to this area and again they didn't know
when they went back whether they would
you know ever be around again so they
they tended to be Rowdy I think
and a lot of nude places and things like
that live nude on stage kind of so Jenny
looked up in the phone book
and went to a massage product and uh
she went in and the girl was giving her
massage and
and the girl said am I being too rough
and Jenny said no that's fine she said
well you know you're the first woman
I've ever done so she had wandered into
one of those massage parlors
at her men laughing on either side of
her
only Jimmy
she's probably taking a nap your wife
seems to be prone to take naps remember
I joked about that that's right you did
yeah she probably thought it was just a
rest stop or something
yeah
just did this was going so
it occurred to me that somewhere I think
we lost them in England yeah that seemed
and you brought up Australia that's
right that's right I was trying to save
you yeah that's true
that's what we're here for uh we're
gonna take a break here and we're gonna
come back and I would have put Tony King
also in that same article People
magazine it said that you remembered
almost word for word the worst routine
worst routine you ever did which is
unusual because people say we usually
remember the the better things and tend
to forget
yeah for some reason you remember uh
something that just didn't work at all
oh boy I it works out pretty much I
would say five to one I mean for
everyone that works the there are five
but four that don't right now
I did a routine on a guy who went to uh
and it may work now because of Star Wars
and all that yeah was this early in your
career
no it was um
yeah it was early but I mean really I
don't mean just when you were starting
but within say the first 10 years yeah I
would say so okay
what was the I didn't know this was a
quiz I thought well no no the talk show
okay okay
it really doesn't matter how early or
how late in my career this happened it
died it just it died I shouldn't have
interrupted you I don't know why I do
that
but it was a thing on a guy going to uh
like Venus or Mars you know the first
civilian
and he then comes back and he's being
interviewed on
uh on his impressions of Venus or Mars
and he goes to Mars and
they asked him
are they more advanced than we are and
he said yes I would have to say they're
they're more advanced and the
interviewer says how God bless you uh
the interviewer the interviewer says
how far Advanced are they and he says I
would say
six weeks
when I was when I was up there they had
the they had the double-edged blades and
uh then when I returned it was like six
seven weeks before we had the
double-edged blades and uh
that was one that died but the premise
is wonderful I think so too you know um
but when you said six or seven weeks the
audience just sat there waiting just
stared it also went on from there it got
worse
he said well how would you describe the
um
the Martian people he said well I
Martian they're very small people by the
way so they're very small and and they
only have one ear and uh
and the guy came up to me with a
cocktail party and uh
uh he asked me could I loan him five
dollars like so I'd loaned him five
dollars and uh I ran into them two weeks
later at the same cocktail party he like
avoided me you know and uh I went in to
put my coat down on the bed you know
when he was there and he like avoided me
so I would say martians are cheap you
know right now
it's happening all over again
how long did you pursue that did you
keep that about as long as
I've done this what is the old story
about the photo who goes to Mars and who
says the women were different physically
remember that joke no it's not really
different he says they look pretty much
like women on earth except the bust
the breasts are on on the back
and the fellow says that's that's real
that's really terrible well it's great
for dancing
that's the kind of stuff
if I had known that joke I would have
put it in here
six weeks a month on the cheap stuff
what commercial time sir right okay it's
commercial time is it yes
[Applause]