welcome back to ask dr clark today's
topic how to respond to verbal attacks
there are a lot of verbal abusers out
there and you may have one or more in
your life
an adult child
a friend a co-worker a boss a family
member of course it could be your spouse
today's question is about a spouse but
my answer also applies to these other
verbal abusers
if you have a marital crisis you can
talk to me about it using my phone
advice service many are doing that it's
the majority of my practice now
i'll get the background in that one
45-minute phone advice session probably
recommend one of my books have we have a
book for everything and give you a plan
of action
to find out how to schedule a phone
device session simply go to my website
davideclarkphd.com that's clark with an
e
on my website
you'll find all my resources for marital
crisis they're all there
now today's question
my wife want this is a guy for a change
my wife wants out of our marriage she
has no biblical reason well yeah they
really do
she says she's unhappy and has and has
been for years you know they all say
that they rewrite your history
for the past six months she has been
saying nasty mean things to me
that's often the case
and she'll often do it in front of our
children and even other people my pastor
told me to take it without responding
and to keep loving her what should i do
well i'll tell you what to do
first stop talking to your pastor about
your marriage this is not
good and even biblical advice you need
to follow a tough love approach not a
weak passive approach the bible teaches
us to confront a sinner
and your wife is a sinner you went out
of a marriage for bogus reasons that is
a serious sin because marriage is sacred
to god
if you have a biblical reason different
story she does not
get my book my spouse wants out that's
why i wrote it for this man and for
people in his situation women too of
course my spouse wants out
and follow the plan
now regarding her verbal abuse this
needs to be addressed
biblically and in a christ-like way but
firmly
verbal abuse is disrespect of the
highest order it is the verbal
equivalent of her slapping you across
the face or punching you in the gut
disrespect reveals contempt contempt
destroys love and destroys the recipient
of the verbal abuse that would be this
man
at least it does if you don't respond
and you're going to respond if you do it
doctor clark's way
every time
every time you take a verbal shot from
her or from anyone without responding
and you just take like the pastor wants
you just take it
you are damaged physically and
emotionally
you are weaker you lose a little more of
yourself you embolden the verbal abuser
you enable the verbal abuser you
guarantee you'll get more verbal abuse
no one's saying anything it's like you
you're almost saying i deserve this
you send the message to the abuser and
others who witness the verbal abuse i
deserve this abuse what she said about
me is true i'm not worth being treated
well and also feel free to continue to
verbally abuse me
you lose the respect and love of your
children and others who witness the
verbal abuse
those who witness the abuse and your
non-response will disrespect you and
have contempt for you so the verbal
abuse grows it's like a pond in a a rock
and a pond it keeps rippling out and
everybody starts treating you badly
i've talked to so many ladies especially
and some men like this guy who live with
a narcissist who abused them for years
and what happens is as the children grow
up in almost every case i've had the
children begin to disrespect you and
verbally abuse you too
that's awful you don't need to take that
these others
will pity you disrespect you and
verbally abuse you too
it's just human nature it's sin nature
bible talks about this if you act like a
doormat others will wipe their feet on
you
so you need to respond briefly and
assertively every time you are verbally
abused now your responses are brief one
sentence one phrase one word inc some
cases you don't get into a prolonged
back and forth dialogue with the
narcissistic abuser you give your
statement and you move on
when the verbal abuser challenges your
response which he certainly will do or
she or attempts to justify what they
said ignore them or say i stand by what
i said
if the person continues to verbally
abuse you ignore them shut down and
leave the situation leave the room
if the abuser takes a shot at you in
front of the kids or anyone else you
respond at that same time forget about
doing it privately they've chosen the
venue so be it
and and you're trying to save your
relationship with your children and
these other people the abuser has chosen
a public place to humiliate you to
damage you so you will respond in the
public place now you're not going to
abuse back you're just going to be
assertive back
here is some assertive responses
to verbally abusive statements just just
some ideas
i don't appreciate that comment
that's not true
that's a lie
that's insulting that's not funny that
was mean and uncalled for that was
offensive yes and even that
was verbal abuse
you can also mention james 3 verses 1
through 12 look it up
not that he's going to
now the fact is you don't respond
assertively to change the other person
this verbal abuser that's not the point
here verbal abusers rarely change
because they're dirt balls
if a normal person a decent person slips
and verbally abuses you an assertive
response will lead to respect and
apology and changed behavior when i snap
at the blonde my beautiful sandy every
now and then it does happen i'm the kind
of person that says things that don't
need to be said sometimes well she's
very tough and she'll respond hey what's
the deal i can't believe that's when i
go you're right i'm sorry honey no
excuse and we fix it because i'm normal
and i love her
with a crazy spouse who is divorcing you
or a bona fide abuser they won't change
that is not the point here you respond
assertively to protect yourself to
strengthen yourself and to protect your
relationship with your children and
others
now for a spouse who wants a divorce
again get my book my spouse wants out if
they have if they have no good reason to
divorce you
for an abusive spouse a narcissist get
two of my books it's a one-two punch 20
lies that keep you with your abuser and
help you with the co-dependent part of
the equation and get you strong
and then enough is enough this one will
get you out of the abusive relationship
finally if you like what i'm doing uh
what i'm saying in these videos and who
couldn't like this actually plenty of
people but if you like it
subscribe to my youtube channel tap the
like button and leave a rating and a
review and a comment