all right my name's paul i've got autism
and i make random videos based on my
version of autism and the way my head
works
and i stick the videos on the internet
just in case you fancy watching them
that's it
um this is
the next video of the butterfly effect
which i think is number four
i think
um and i wasn't gonna do it this soon in
all honesty but
a strange thing happened
which i wasn't expecting at all
and that was
people sent emails going
paul you didn't give us an update you
all right you know
like the video you've put up it's not
the same
topic and uh you were going to the
doctors on that tuesday and
you know you never said how you got on
he's everything all right we're just
checking in we want you to be okay
did not expect that
um because i don't think i expected
anyone to be bothered i didn't you know
i'm just sharing how things are making
me feel and how i get stuck how i get
bothered how things freeze how my mind
then over analyzes
never once thought i don't want to be
bothered never once thought anyone you
know as in like care
and i think
oh okay
so
i don't know how to say thank you
properly and make it sound heartfelt or
bothered but just know that
it's appreciated
very appreciated
because i just never
had it in my thought process at all that
anyone would ever even
reach out that way i didn't think i i
don't know i think i think that's it i
didn't think
um
so
you know
this is mainly for the people who
were interested in my well-being i think
so if you don't know what i'm on about
with the butterfly effect videos i think
it makes sense to watch them before you
carry on watching the rest
because
um you know there is a lot in them to
digest and i can't wrap it all up in
this video but you know ultimately if
you want to just join in from now the
head notes would be
problems were happening in work i asked
for an autism workplace assessment i got
one it failed um it did not take into
account how i was accurately feeling and
the accurate things that were causing me
a concern it was very generic very
focused around the sensory issues that
people could get overloaded on
and then because that failed and there
wasn't control measures in place
everything just carried on this process
is happening in work which are dangerous
which i keep raising and nothing gets
fixed which causes me a lot of stress
and in the end
i broke
and then i went off and then i went to
the doctors and the last video
or and the last couple of videos were
kind of focused around the doctor and
the ultimatum that the doctor gave which
was
i'll give you two weeks off but when you
come back after the two weeks you're
going to have to have either cbt or
you're going to have to take medication
and then
i think the last video was mainly about
me
being really panicked about
being forced into those uh
into that
you know no-win situation as far as i
was concerned um you know and i did take
into all of the
all account what people had said about
cbt
and how it worked for them how it didn't
work for them same with medications
and i know some of you have sent emails
very strongly about
not taking medication i have read them i
just haven't had headspace or the time
to uh respond so just know i have read
them okay there isn't an email in my
inbox i haven't read so if you have sent
something i promise you i've read it um
you know and what i did over the two
weeks while i was off i did a lot of
research on cbt
and
medication
so for the cbt
it wouldn't have worked for me because i
was only looking at it via the workplace
stress because that's where everything
has come from
and
all the control measures that i could
gather from all the different companies
are what i already do you know i i've
planned my own work for over 10 years
so the correct way to process and plan
has already been done
i don't need to worry about that i my my
problems in work
were dangerous
and i'll give you one example
so you understand because i said i'd
share all one day i'm not sure if i will
because it'll be a bit too specific and
a bit boring for those who don't know my
field but
everyone will be able to appreciate this
bit
so
when you build a building
from scratch
you should have a fire engineer involved
in the process
and they should be there for the
consultation the design they should stay
involved throughout the design they
should be on site for the build they
should be making sure that what they
have designed to be fire safe and the
correct level of fire alarm system the
correct widths of stairwells the correct
placements of emergency lights you know
the structure whether it's 30 60 minutes
two hours
um
you know whether it's got passive
control measures like sprinkler systems
anything like that it's making sure that
everything meets the today's standard
because when it's brand new it's got to
and it's making sure through the build
that there's no corner cutting that
things are being done to the correct
level making sure that the correct
calculations are being done for air flow
for water pressure
everything is considered
and then at each point
you then sign off documents to say this
is still on track this is still safe if
you've got a fire fighting lift built in
your building it's making sure it's got
that secondary source of power not just
reliant on the building's power making
sure that it's got a second skin around
it to make it twice as strong you know
firefighters can ultimately control it
between floors and that it actually does
meet the standard of a fire fighting
lift because it wouldn't be the first
time where it starts as a firefighting
lift and then
through the through the planet through
the build
they decide halfway through well it's a
bit too expensive we'll just put it as a
normal lift now we'll just have it as a
passenger lift which you can do you know
depending on your type of build i'm not
getting into the specifics
but you know if this was a residential
building it chances are it won't need a
fire fight and lift if it's like
i don't know four floors
um but like i say there's a lot of
specifics not going into them trying to
give you the overriding one of the
concerns which really stress me out
so this fire engineer would stay
involved would be signing off the
processes on all the different stages
that have to happen and then at the end
the fire engineer will do a fire risk
assessment on the building nine times
out of ten and they will just ultimately
sign it off saying everything from the
consultation and the design is
absolutely accurate these walls do offer
to our protection those doors do offer
one hour the sprinkler system has been
tested to work it will respond under
this pressure
you know and uh you know if you've got
like a system linked into a fire um
station it's you know making sure that
they know that the the signal goes
through what the signal represents does
the fire service need to know anything
when they attend do we have a key safe
box which might have necessary
information in
there's loads of stuff to consider but
the person who's been involved from the
beginning and involved in the entire
build process involved in every meeting
involved in the actual final say of the
building
can then get the pen out sign that
building office safe
and off we go
but what happened at my place
is
they come to me to sign the building off
and i've not been involved in the
consultation the design i've never been
to site i know nothing about it i don't
know what management do i don't know
what plan has been for that building i
don't know if it's registered i don't
know if how many staff will be on at
different times i don't know what type
of training these stuff are gonna get
what i'm ultimately saying here is i
know absolutely nothing about it and
they want me to sign it off as safe to
be habitable and usable
no
and
that happened once
i raised it as a serious concern i
contacted the person who basically plans
the design of buildings and gives the go
ahead and stays involved in the initial
processes
and he was more bothered that i raised
it as a concern
and ultimately said look just sign them
off when they come in just sign them off
no
and then i went to my boss about it and
he was like okay and he had a meeting
with the guy
and they've agreed that they're gonna
get a fire engineer in
but that takes months
so that's you know they've got a company
in
who do it for a living you know so they
can use them as a subcontractor in a way
and i thought great i can finally pass
that off and then what happened
it landed on my door about five
more times
and i had to say no five more times i
had to have arguments five more times i
had to have a fight five more times i
had to argue with people well above my
pay grade and get a bad name five more
times because something very illegal
was wanting to be happening and very
unethical very unprofessional
no
i am not doing it and i should be
commended for that because that's what
professionals do they don't sign things
off when they don't even know if a
building's safe
and yes there is that section of my work
that are very new to this
but listen i've done it before
but they don't
you know so that was one portion as to
why i was so stressed out that i had to
go off
so cbt
doesn't work when i'm not wrong
um and the medication side of it
you know i reviewed a lot of medications
that my doctor can provide um i also
spoke to a a gentleman i know who takes
medication
um and he's very like-minded works in an
identical role for another company
understands fully when i have a concern
about something um offers me alternative
opinions when there's one to be offered
so i value his mind i value the way he
thinks and he takes a certain medication
and uh i was ultimately going to go on
to the same one as him
um because he told me how it made him
change how he felt was there any issues
all the things that you bothered about
you know and like i say people have sent
emails big emails about the the cons of
taking meds and i have read them i
promise
um so my doctor gave me that
you know the two options didn't they
take medication or after cbt you've got
to pick one when you come back after
those two weeks
so when it got to the weekend
before i had to go back on the tuesday
i was
on my backside i was very low i was
fretting i was panicked i was
a mess
i was horrid i i felt
disgusting
that's the best word i can find
from head to toe inside and out mentally
physically disgusting just felt
like i needed to be put in the bin
because i knew i had to go and give
an answer
and then i'm thinking well she's going
to send me back to work because she told
me she can only give me two weeks
you know i was i i ultimately had to
invest um
or i had to not invest i had to
request the kp
which is
kind person i have to enlist my kind
person
who offers me
ridiculous assistance
ridiculous levels of assistance when i
need it
to basically
come to the appointment with me
and the kp the kind person
i've let them know fully everything of
how it makes me feel what made me go off
how my head is how i'm dealing with
things what i think i need versus what
i'm being offered
because remember i wanted time i asked
for time give me time
and i can breathe out give me time
and i can digest give me time to stop
thinking about what i'm thinking about
so i can
make it reborn so i can see it from a
new light just give me time that's all i
wanted
so i told the kind person
every single thing about everything
and they
came to the appointment
but by the time it was tuesday
there's no errors and graces on me i'll
tell you the truth i was a mess
i went mute
i just could not speak i couldn't look
anyone in the eye i couldn't even look
people in the face
i was
stereo stereotypical version of artistic
i was
monotone i was my face didn't move i
couldn't look at you i wouldn't answer
you properly i was
i just wasn't me
which was horrible
because the doctor made me feel like
that
so what was good is the kind person for
me was my translator
because i told them everything from my
perspective from my opinion from
everything that's going on told them
everything that the doctor had said told
them how i addressed the doctor how i
talked to the doctor how i made it all
about work and a very logical
perspective and i didn't talk about me
and how it could make me feel because i
was just making like say i was being
robotic very logical way of thinking
and then
like i say the the ultimately turned out
to be a translator for me because they
were they turned what i'd said from
autism
into neurotypical and passed it back to
a neurotypical person
and the neurotypical person heard
everything i was saying
and you know the doctor was a bit
seemed a bit bothered because the first
time i was there i was like i am now and
i was telling them everything and i'm
using my eyes and my eyebrows i'm
smiling i'm changing my tone
doing all sorts of that but the next
time i went i was an absolute shell of
myself just staring off into the
distance
wouldn't talk wouldn't look just i want
to get out of here you know just not
happy about it
and the doctor was going i thought we
had a nice conversation last time paul i
thought we got on
i was like we did it was my fault i
should have been
more clear
i should have not been caring about your
feelings and how my awkwardness might
have made you feel i should have focused
solely on me
and i didn't and that's why i've got
someone with me now
and you know what happened next
something that made me so angry
but so relieved
the doctor said
i don't pay your wages
you don't work for me
i don't care how much time you have off
that's all i needed to hear
because the doctor ultimately made it
quite clear that i had two weeks to make
a decision on medication and cbt so i
thought like a clown that she meant
everything ends as well you know i've
got to go back
but she was like look i what she says i
don't care how long how long you need to
be off what i care about is you not
feeling like this
for any any more time for us you know i
don't want you to feel like this for the
rest of the day let alone you know for
the amount of time you want off sort of
thing
i i got it i understood that but i wish
you'd have made that clear
because then that'd have made my
decision process a little bit easier you
know because so cbt is gone i'm not
doing that but i went with the intention
of saying right i'll have medication
but the doctor basically said i'll give
you as much time as you think you need
but
what is it you think you need i need you
to get better
and i said as i've told you
i
need
time
i need time to breathe out
because i'm so i'm spinning plates
mentally and i've got too many plates
i'm tired i need to
let some fall and it's all right that
they fall because i know i can always
put them back on again
but i don't feel i've had the time to
stop allow the plates to stop stop
spinning and what am i gonna do
i need time away from work to figure it
out
can't keep feeling like this
and going straight back will do nothing
for me and i'll hand me notice in and
i'll probably off but until my notice
expires which is unfair
for an employer to have an employee run
the clock down and get paid for it you
know but
i've got more to say about that um
you know so basically from being told
i've got to pick medication or
cbt i'm off work
for a month
and i haven't got to take medication or
have cbt because a kind person was my
translator
so when i had the you have to pick one
or the other
i was then told
i didn't
because they then asked me what do i
think i need which is what i told them
in the first appointment which was
i need time i need to breathe out i need
to redesign my mind i need to
go back
not interested in who i work for because
i've got this floor in me that i go to a
workplace and i give them a hundred and
twenty percent of me and i invest my you
know because it's like oh thanks for
giving me a job and then it's like i'll
stay loyal to you forever and then i'm
like a labrador but then the owner kicks
me
you know i still i'm still like oh don't
worry i still love you
you know the reality is i should go who
are you kicking i'm going to go over
there they're going to stroke me on the
head
you know
it's
so i i told her i need time to
detach from who i work for i need to be
attached with the relationships i've
built with people i need to basically
just go
whoever i work for is an exchange of
service
i work for you
because you pay me
a wage i accepted under the conditions
that you were willing to pay me that
wage
you know i just need it's a transaction
of service i shouldn't have to bend over
backwards to convince you to let me work
for you
i'll be pleasant i will do the work that
you want me to do to the best of my
abilities during the hours i get paid
but the second that clock hits i'm going
home i'll see you later
and if you want me to care about the
workplace give me something too
give me training
you know pay for my affiliations
take an interest in my well-being
if you think i'm suffering
how on earth can we make it any better
for you
because i shouldn't have to hit rock
bottom for someone to then go
what's that somewhat weird
oh
what
you know so i told her that i need time
to
think
because the only thing that will fix me
is space
i told her how much time i think i need
off
you know and i did say to a look if i
because if you could have seen me on the
tuesday
year the theater thought i was going to
do something bad
and uh
she just said well look you know what's
going to happen if you come back and see
me in a month which is how long i've got
off
and you still feel exactly the same
i said if i come back feeling like this
in a month i'll be knocking your door
down for medication
because i can't feel like this
well then it took two or three days to
decompress after that visit get rid of
the headache that i had this tension
headache lasted days
today i feel all right
because i'm starting to breathe out a
bit
and i've started to get in my mind
annoyance for who i work for and why
they've let me feel like this when i
made everyone fully aware
of how i feel
and fully aware of how it's made me feel
this i didn't keep any of this a secret
i didn't keep the things that i found
dangerous unprofessional illegal
to a degree
i didn't let anybody not know
i raised everything but they chose not
to act on it because everyone's busy
well that's great but i can't be around
for that
and now i feel a bit
calmer
and i'm a bit clearer because i've got
the time i initially needed
my resilience for the workplace is
starting to build
my
thought process of
you know not being so emotionally
attached and involved to an employer is
really kicked into another gear of i've
got to learn how to be robotic again in
some instances
you know being a robot didn't serve me
well in a lot of areas but it served me
well for work
you know i just need to get that back i
don't need to think you know oh the only
i'll tell you the thing that makes a job
good it's the people you work with
if they're kind considerate nice
understand
or at least i pretend to understand when
you're going through oddities
that makes everything it's not the
employer it's not the company it's the
people you work with
and the people i work with there's about
10 of us and i've got time
for maybe half of them
um
there is but there's nothing in my
workplace which would make me stay
just because of who they are because now
it's tainted because they've let me fall
into a state of disrepair
and i've had to have all these fights
and mental thoughts and you know going
mute and stressed and you know queries
with the doctor needing the kind person
to come to the appointments with me and
try and make sense of things suffer days
of headaches
i've had to suffer all that because of a
few processes in work people won't
rectify
not anymore not anymore
i will get better i know i'll get better
because i'm giving what i know i need
which is time
and hopefully after this other month if
anyone from works watching
too bad but i'm not going back again i'm
going back in the new year
because in a new year
that will have been enough time
and i know i won't feel ready
in december when i've got to go back to
talk about the sick note again
but i'll be better than i was when i
went because i'll be on the path
and i know what i need to go back a
hundred percent
not seventy percent a hundred
and
i'm now at that stage where i feel
all right to apply elsewhere for other
work i've got the mental
strength back to
of interviews
i've managed to get out of the thing
which was making me feel bad which
everything was focused around work and
the badness and oh this is not how it's
meant to be
and now i'm in the camp of
i told them
can't do anything more
either fix it or they don't but it's not
really my problem
because they affected my mental health
and that is far more important than what
they do for a living
and if anyone from work's watching and
you're bothered by that
i don't care because you didn't care
about me i'm important too
and that's something i've got to
remember
i'll never bad mouth anyone if they do
good
but i'll never give people praise if
they do bad
i'm looking out for me
tonight i'm gonna have a couple of beers
i'm not on medication don't worry and i
know some of you don't like me drinking
but
i've gotta have some joy in this life
and if i have a couple of beers i'm good
um
you know i'm not drinking to excess i
don't do that i've i'm not i'm not that
guy um but
i like a couple of beers you might do
something i'm not a fan of but you know
what we're all allowed an opinion we're
all allowed what makes us put a smile on
our chops as well
um but tonight it's going to be a couple
of days going to get a takeaway
uh going to watch
some nonsense
and then tomorrow i'm going to get up
and my fight today is paul
get on the rower you set it up you went
on it a couple of times then you hit a
wall you've not been on it since
tomorrow is the start of a new day start
taking control of you your life what you
need
balls to everything else
so for those who wanted uh an update
there it is so i hope you were
because i know for a lot of people this
is just talk but some people have
started to get to know me and uh
you you're probably the only ones who
stuck in for the entire video
but
i'm feeling all right okay so your
concern is very very appreciated but i'm
on cloud nine
compared to how i was all right so i do
appreciate that you were looking out i
really do means a lot
um so until next time
thanks for watching
thanks for caring
and uh
keep smiling