i need
more larry god shamrock
there's lots i haven't done laughter
leaving
now
[Music]
a night with you gives a woman plenty of
time to think
i'll let new age philosophy crap just
isn't me
what i really love is money
you can't leave me here like this you're
right
so long sucker hey i don't smoke
oh baby you are the lowest
this has got to be the worst night of my
life
well at least things can't get any worse
i should never say that
[Music]
attention attention
the penthouse me yes you
the person who spent the night with
shamra leave
now we think there may be a fire
[Music]
somewhere
la costa lotta thoughtfully provides one
of these complimentary
little hair weave kits in every room
one of la costa lotta's complimentary
little hair weave kits lies on the table
if you were planning to take it home
[Music]
it's a good thing shamara used those
vice grips last night
i can just reach them from here
my comb over could use a little
thickening
[Music]
la castellata you open the la castellata
complimentary
lil hair weave kit and find a needle
[Music]
inside
[Music]
maybe
yes
[Music]
are you crazy this is the 40th floor
don't you worry we've got the net here
[Music]
our night of passionate lovemaking must
have overheated the frame
yeah right
[Music]
hotel furniture just ain't what it used
to be
you can't lift that larry it must weigh
all of
20 pounds
[Music]
hey what's this
[Music]
ow i hate paper cuts
ow i hate paper cuts
jump jump okay i'm coming
i wish i had for myself a dollar every
time i've heard that
[Applause]
oh
leisure suit larry you just left from
the 40th floor of a burning building
what are you gonna do next
i'm going to take a cruise
so
so
[Music]
oh hello there boat babes my name is
larry
larry laffer welcome aboard the pms
bouncy laugher
i'm captain thai before this cruise is
over
she'll be falling all over me
[Music]
here's your key card mr laffer there's
been a
slight problem with your room eh
i kind of expected that oh not to worry
i took the liberty of substituting our
largest cabin
you'll have plenty of room wow
that's super thanks now um where would
my room be
oh just check the map you're in room
[Music]
zero
you're attacking
yeah baby
anyone wishing to spend next week
humping the captain
please report immediately to the ship's
lounge
[Music]
[Music]
baby
[Music]
a few chairs there in the back oh never
mind
if you're not seated by now just stand
i'm sure captain thai will be pleased
this punch to see such a good turnout
this week
and as you all know each week she runs a
little competition for her male
or male-like passengers which she calls
the thighs man trophy contest not cute
of course there's no actual trophy
involved no what you win is better than
hardware
one of you will spend next week cruising
on the captain
i mean she'll
treat you to a one-week cruise in her
cabin where your
every need will be met
by now each of you has received your
personal scorecard
listing a random set of events the
computer assigned you
now don't you worry okay no one has to
enter every event
there's just too many just find the ones
listed on your scorecard
enter and win the man with the highest
total score wins
are there any questions are there any
answers
you may begin hey um i've got a question
yes you there in the interesting close
uh
what's this item listed here on my
scorecard
chastity it's a joke sweetheart
hey what's wrong with you anyway you're
not some sort of government infiltrator
are you
that's ridiculous oh yes i am going to
keep my eye on you sweetheart
it's not my fault you can't make a joke
yeah
you'll find out when we're finally in
charge then you'll be the one singing a
chaff titty tune that's it i'm leaving
now
everyone else is already gone so they
have
very well dismissed he's a strange one
yeah baby
[Music]
hmm
[Music]
johnson the bartender fits the old
cliche
surly to bed surly to rise
[Music]
uh howdy barkeep what do you got my
name's
johnson and anything you want we got
what do you want
you must get a lot of guys in here
telling you their troubles don't you
is it hard johnson yeah makes me sick
i usually punch their lights out why oh
no reason i uh
bet you see a lot of beautiful women
working here on johnson
yeah so what i'm just making
conversation
and i'm just baking drinks why don't you
stop yapping and order one
give me a oh just point to the menu
one of those no problem coming right up
here you go
boy are these drinks watered down
how about a bourbon and soda on the
rocks with a twist
and an umbrella and some fruit and maybe
a bendy straw
you know one of those things if you got
you about done
uh yeah here
we ain't got no business drawers so i
gave you a cap and happiness barrel of
fun straw
i guess it'll have to do what do i owe
you
nothing i'll put it on your room got a
key card right here
okay now drink it
yeah baby
[Music]
see you later johnson yeah whatever
hey hold it what do you think you're
doing
you can't go in there that's private
well then women could be
naked in there and the breast is just
swinging back and forth with
the nipple thing and they could be
hanging upside down and getting
well you just don't know oh sorry i
was just looking for the head don't you
talk that nautical talk to me bub
i'm just a plain old country boy
[Music]
peggy is the ship's surly foul-mouthed
deckhand
heavily affected by a childhood spent
watching too many pirate movies
she thinks she's a swashbuckler she even
had her peg leg rigged to accept
multiple interchangeable janitorial
attachments
[Applause]
[Music]
excuse me ma'am um may i bother you for
a moment
this gun saltier is rusted me and leg
socket
yeah yeah who the hell are you my name
is larry
larry laffer yeah well i'm peggy
and did i mention this salt here is
rusted myth yeah
yeah uh thanks well you don't have to be
so
annoyed
i can see why they call you peggy peggy
oh can you lame ass it's because my
mother named me margaret yes stupid
sucker
so um how did you lose your leg
ah freak [ __ ] accident that's how one
day
i inadvertently combined kz jenny with
deodorant spray
forming a powerful contact explosive
sexual lubricant deodorant spray
and you lost your leg let's just say i
wasn't spraying me
in armpits okay
okay no more details please
no
is it just me or do you seem to swear a
lot
swear oh hell no mother
i suffer from clorox clarets
don't you mean tourettes no you dumb
[ __ ]
i mean i got a foul mouth
uh miss peggy can you help me with these
competitions
help you hell no it's guys like you that
dribble all over the
love master and then guess who has to
clean all that
top yeah yeah yeah good old peggy that's
who
i can't tell you how many times me
piglet's been stuck in that god
drain
i'll see you around miss peggy it's been
my [ __ ] pleasure
yep
your attention please mark has just
finished with a record high score
in the nude curling competition this
handsome
sailor entertains the many children on
the cruise
what are you doing oh i'm the handsome
sailor who entertains the many children
on this cruise but
i haven't seen a single child anywhere
that's because this
game is too dirty for kids
yeah baby
[Music]
no alarm sounds
makes me wonder about all those times i
didn't sneak into movie theaters
oh boy another beaver joke
let's see have you heard the one about
the two beavers who went bike riding
oh not again oh you've heard it
yeah baby
[Music]
[Music]
the kumquat tree is an evergreen shrub
with beautiful sweet scented white
flowers
cultivated for its small orange yellow
citrus fruit
which is commonly eaten fresh or in
preserves
but rarely in quiche and this is the
first one you've ever seen that's been
sculpted into a sheep shape
quickly repeat after me sheep shape
sheep shape sheep shape
whoa look at all the cool stuff back
here
oh well
don't you wish you could see the stuff
that's back here
ah you snare a delicious kumquat from
the tree
how you wish you had a taste icon so you
could taste it
hey wait with this new interface you
might
so exactly what is it you do well
i make balloon animals say do you want
one
not really i'll consider that a yes here
you go
look it's hootie the owl
but that doesn't look like that well it
does to me
yeah well uh you can keep it okay
your attention the mandatory lifeboat
safety drill for all passengers will
visit
not everybody
[Music]
foreign
you insert your key card into the slot
with great anticipation
what will your special suite be like
[Music]
you've been provided with the finest in
army surplus
cots well that's good not
that good it's from the uzbekistan
army and the only reason it's surplus is
because sleeping on it is less
comfortable than sleeping on frozen
tundra oh
yeah baby
the toilet worked perfectly when this
cabin's last occupant
checked in oh that's good not that good
he had to plug up its drain pipe to keep
it from leaking all over the floor
this toilet doesn't work it has no water
coming in and the drain seems to be
plugged up
someone stuffed a spray can into the
toilet's drain
oh that's bad not that
bad this way nothing runs out on your
feet
though
now the toilet drains freely well
that's good not that good it hasn't been
connected to a water pipe in 34 years
oh
now that well not that oh
the drain
hmm
now that toilet will have plenty of
water
[Music]
okay everybody break five minutes
you're attention blaze jem has
just won the strip twister championship
good idea get everything done at once
what not without wiping
what are you going to use your leisure
suit
[Music]
oh
[Music]
do
yeah baby
[Music]
someone must have pushed hard to get his
big
submarine into that tiny hole
[Music]
i already have something long and hard
and filled with sea
men well up periscope
hmm what's this oh a book on that great
aircraft manufacturer
[ __ ] more than just an airplane by
someone named drew barringmore
whoever he is
hmm i think i'll scan a little of this
first to see if it's something i want to
read in depth
anton hermann gerard falker was born in
1890 in java
at an early age he began an airplane
manufacturing business in germany
during world war one his factories
produced triplanes and biplanes
he revolutionized aerial warfare in 1915
by mounting a machine gun on the front
of an airplane
then synchronized the gun so it would
fire through the blades of the plane's
propeller instead of shooting them off
after the war he turned to developing
commercial aircraft
in 1922 he moved to the united states
where he died in 1939.
[Music]
nah you've already read this one
[Music]
excuse me miss um that's miz
victorian principles nice to meet you
my name is larry larry laffer oh
i so love dual first names one cruise i
met
boutros boutros gully
[Music]
are you the ship's librarian yes i am
do you see something you'd like to check
out
oh all righty what is your cabin number
whoa babe slow down geez and women say
i'm fast
fast well sir we check out books by
cabin number here
oh zero zero
[Music]
tight budget no you see
[Music]
you don't want to know correct
[Music]
tickle your ass with a feather what did
you say
i said particularly nasty weather
oh really
so uh you got any good books oh
many kinds unfortunately you're a little
late
all the really good ones are already
gone i wish i had a dollar for every
time i've heard
that how's your book
oh quite uplifting i so enjoy books
affirming sound
moral principles don't you oh uh
yes yes i do but uh don't you ever read
anything spicier oh
no those books don't appeal to me all
that panting and
groping that raw animal passion
that oh well
it just encourages the wrong sort of
thoughts no no
i only expose myself to great literature
i wish i was some great literature yeah
great literature
yeah but um
what do you do for entertainment well i
start at one end of the bookcase and
read my way through to the other
unfortunately i'm now on my third pass
through most of them
cruise ship life looks like an endless
vacation
don't you just love it sure it's perfect
if perfect means knowing that every day
you're going to have exactly the same
food you had that day last week
it's perfect but all the fun the
nightlife the non-stop
partying oh well not for us crew members
for us it's more like never being able
to leave the office
[Music]
nine four five point three
four seven one point two four
one ninety eight point thirty three
oh what are you doing what do you think
whispering dewey decimal numbers to you
tanyana a hardly i
filed them all
[Music]
point 945.3 four
seven one point oh what are you what do
you think
hardly did i mention my name is larry
now would you like to have sex you're
disgusting
you'll never get anywhere with me you
pathetic loser
how about me whispering a few dewy
decimal numbers in your ear victorian
as if i haven't heard that line before
men you're all alike
what about these
oh those those are already checked out
to me that's a lot of reading for one
cruise
not for me i'll finish those tonight
in bed
would you like to know what i plan to do
tonight
um in bed i'll vote
sleep
[Music]
just a moment let me look that up for
you
your attention please brian has just
[Music]
we have one book on that but the captain
is reading it
well nice talking to you victorian
perhaps i'll stop by later
all righty then good day
[Music]
you