you've spoken so much about Italy you
talk so much about Italy that many
people think you're from Italy you drove
a Vespa for a while it's right until
someone just ran into you destroyed the
Vespa and broke your arm correct yeah
now I paid that guy to kill you
I've always wanted to understand Italy
the way you understand Italy I want to
see Italy through your cold lifeless
eyes so I've decided to take you to
Italy that sounds great who's ready we
could leave tonight I pack light
seriously you're not rattled at all by
this we're gonna leave for Italy tonight
I can be ready in a couple hours
don't you have to tell your wife or
anything I'm all set you're not gonna
call your wife that's a quick
conversation my thought is of course we
must go to Rome yes I have other places
that I like in Italy that I feel like in
a nutshell I mean I've been everywhere
I've been to Beneteau i've been to
Piedmont a Mille Romagna Astana this is
lot Co compiling it down here Cecilia
Calabria Puglia first of all lay market
first of all first of all you're showing
off yeah you know you're showing off I
am in qualifying I don't know that those
are real places I believe that too sure
okay the same thing ask me if I've been
to Italy
have you been to of course I've been
dead Don day a vanilla
yonder but often I will apply the
Florence spent a couple days in Florence
by myself connecting with stop by
yourself
I travel often alone and I have romantic
evenings under the stars your love good
night what are you talking about you
can't have an every romantic evening
alone your soup hot dog romance ekend
hold on one second
mazie will manses a diverse concept it's
not only what sure
and then I Drive to my favorite town in
southern Tuscany which is prefer not to
say the name it's a special place to me
you're not gonna tell me the name of
your favorite town well my favorite
restaurant is there and like I say I
have a special connection with the
people there and my picture is hanging
on the wall and restaurant is it for
passing bad checks
but the real highlight for me is the
wild primal city of maples are gonna
have a coffee and a lot of it we're
gonna have espresso we're gonna have
cappuccino we're not gonna mess around
with any of the American coffee drinks
like when you walk into a diner in
America what do you say I would ask if
they had espresso I wouldn't expect it
to be good you'd say to FL who's been
working there 60 years I'll order if I
are not expected to be good is that what
you'd say I don't say all my thoughts
out loud what are you thinking right now
you know the hair that you miss shaving
it's enough corner of your mouth would
be my right your left okay well I know
what I'm thinking sure I could push this
through your right eye too sharp part
and we go above it back the part of your
brain that controls speech and I would
scrape it around and you would be mute
and you'd die about a week later
that's not where speech is controlled
once have you been to Italy conservative
yes
I haven't kept count but I would assume
25 times approximately what do you get
the money for this Georgia you pay me
that money I pay you that much that
you've been to Italy at least 25 to 30
times and tasted the very best food
stayed in the nicest hotels that's how
much I pay you yes okay and what intern
do you do for me I complete the tasks
assignments unbelievable you've been
sucking at my teat for 23 years sucking
it dry
and what do you do with that sweet
mother's milk
use it to build up the fat in your body
so you can go over here and hang it on
the Italy having the good life one here
slaving away making shows thousands and
thousands and thousands of hours of
entertainment watched by hundreds and
hundreds of people I prefer to spend my
money on experiences instead of material
possessions I could think of no better
watch by the way this is everything I
love about the sexiness and the power as
Rome and had to see and the triumph you
are alone now this is the pizza of
Naples this is a margarita and this is a
marinara there are very strict rules
governing the véra pizza not police has
to be there in 30 minutes or lastly not
okay oh my god I remember this photo
remember when this was the cover of
douche Wheatley
laughing right you didn't know what to
do and so a weird Joker smile come on
your face and then that's the next day
it's nuts the sets know nothing
biological no no don't you dissected
look at your face you think your face
that is adored worldwide you're the
monster do you think people adore your
face because of the physical structure
of your face or perhaps what it might
represent the need my face you making a
claim like that I don't think you could
utilize my face I say your face is
adored not necessarily for the physical
structure yeah we can concentrate on the
positive short what's the negative tip
of the nose do you understand that
little vain that bugs everybody come on
freckles your body image may be
distorted the things that you find to be
negatives are not even noticed I'm a
beginner this side track do you mean my
face looks like the Joker I'm telling
you that's my face what do you find
unattractive about my face go well let's
talk about the positives you got
symmetry okay based on public perception
what might the public find to be
unattractive about your face is that the
question answering
you've got dry skin it
[Applause]
promise me that when you show me your
Italy we're gonna have a good time I
guarantee you and I'll promise you to
moisturize
Jordan and I Jordan and I went to Italy
that night it was intense our trip is
going to be a prime time show Conan in
Italy airing Wednesday April 11th at 10
o'clock
[Applause]
you