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when we use the term narcissistic child
let's get really clear on what that
refers to they're talking about adult
children here Kyle because I always
caution people because I get I hear from
people who have adolescent kids all the
time
I dean agers narcissistic I'm like every
teenager is narcissistic it's a built-in
it's just sort of a developmental stage
in some ways children into adolescents
they are narcissistic and it's like a
snake shedding a skin your goal is that
they go into adulthood and now they have
that core empathy and and self
reflective capacity all those things
that are healthy in adulthood but we're
talking about adult children and what
happens in for a lot of parents is they
have the obvious narcissistic teenager
and they keep taking that wait and see
through emerging adulthood which pretty
much goes to about twenty five and then
they're still really narcissistic 27
narcissistic thirty-five narcissistic
mean negating selfish keep taking their
money still it's very entitled then the
parents are like oh my goodness what
have i wrought here are they at fault
this is where it gets to be an ultra
complicated conversation something I
really do get into in the book here's
the rub you had something to do with it
but it's not met that is not meant as
blame so for example when your children
are in critical developmental stages you
may have done everything your power to
keep your kids safe to keep food on the
table roof over everyone's head but had
to work a lot so maybe you weren't there
as much as you wanted to be and for a
child with a particularly sensitive or
vulnerable temperament your hard-working
even if you're kind and a little bits of
time you saw them maybe there was
something lacking there maybe you were
going through a really bad marriage when
your kids were in certain developmental
periods and so they grew up with a lot
of that tension in that conflict
I don't like ascribing that a fault to
that but it there is a the fact is the
parents were sort of the the background
to all this also it could be that you
had a narcissistic spouse one of you
raising this narcissistic adult child
was narcissistic and maybe you didn't
call out the spouse for being entitled
for being so self selfish and self
focused because you couldn't because it
wasn't appropriate because it's not what
people did in your culture or you didn't
know you just didn't know you didn't
know what it would do and all of that
can be oh the factors that sort of lead
to adult children with narcissism what's
interesting is I've worked with many
parents with adult children who are
narcissists and they're pretty
devastated like they've usually been
wrecked financially these narcissistic
kids have cleaned them out meaning that
these parents would pay for college
would clear student loans would give
them down payments for houses would buy
them cars would pay for stuff for their
kids I mean these parents kept giving
and giving and giving and I think the
parents saw that if I keep giving a
money maybe they'll start being nice to
me well that day never came and then
these are parents who are now going into
their older age not having saved
appropriately and I can promise you one
thing your narcissistic adult child
ain't gonna bail you out so that's a
very that that's a very common pattern
some of these parents feel guilty
they're saying I wasn't there or I was
self-absorbed or there was other stuff
going on or I came from a narcissistic
family system and like you said Kyle I
just didn't know and I think that's what
a lot of parents
I just didn't know this is why we do
this right you know we do this so
hopefully another generation of parents
knows and now there's often a lot of
guilt I am the one who made this monster
so then they'll engage in things to
assuage their guilt so I'm gonna keep
being the punching bag I made this so
now I have to be punished for it and
that's also a common dynamic or I have
to stick around or who walks out on
their own kid that's often a theme you
see too so it's an incredibly painful
thing to watch and here's the bottom
line if indeed somebody was generally
genuinely abusive rejecting neglectful
and cruel to their child and this is the
adult child they got if you did do that
to your child I mean this is this
chickens coming home to roost my guess
is those people may not be watching
these videos but if they are yeah
there was a complicity there and all I
could suggest is that those parents
hopefully get their own
therapy their help I'm sure they in some
cases do you feel quite remorseful but
you can't unring a bell so it's really
still about how to find techniques to
manage that relationship in the present
time have you had parents cut off the
relationship with their narcissistic
time I have worked with parents who have
cut off the relationship with the
narcissistic child and let me tell you
of all the narcissistic cut offs I've
ever seen that has been by far the most
painful to witness I I can't imagine a
hand not as a parent I can't imagine it
I'm gonna tell you I got teenagers I'm
we definitely tangle and there's points
from like oh my goodness me you're going
away back to school like know what the
door yelling about darling yeah so I get
it but I don't get it like I can't
imagine having to make that cut and yet
watching what these parents are going
through I get it I support it and I
recognize that if they don't either make
the cut or figure out some way to manage
this they're gonna get wiped out and so
both psychologically financially every
which way you can imagine and it's very
hard for these parents to put that line
in the sand and Kyle parents who do it
get harshly judged dad on your own kid I
can't and other people around them don't
know the backstory because the parent
sometimes is too ashamed or embarrassed
to share how bad things got and so they
often now are not only dealing with the
devastation of having to cut off from an
adult child but the really harsh
judgment of the world because what our
parents asked about every single time
they see somebody yeah and it's and
that's why I'm saying this is a
complicated conversation because the
majority of people who have narcissistic
children will say I never intended for
this happen I look backwards I see it
some of them some of them will even own
I was over indulgent I gave him
everything they wanted I never said no I
was loose with money you know we had the
resources and a very common one is they
themselves came from environments that
were they came from families that were
didn't have enough money I didn't have
enough resource and they wanted the joy
of being able to ensure their kids
didn't have that
and and so in their fashion they really
thought they were paying it forward to
the new generation and yet they may not
have then been paying attention to the
emotional enrichment of their child
we're in an interesting generation Kyle
of helicopter parenting parents who
manage every darn detail of their kids
lives to a fault they never want the
child to be sad they never want their
child to be disappointed they never want
their child to be frustrated they fight
with the teacher they fight with the
coach they fight with everyone my child
first look what happened in this college
scandal so these parents want their they
foster that entitlement and then these
kids who grow up like this can't
tolerate frustration or disappointment
or sadness those in abilities are the
core of adult narcissism so for the
parents out there who still want to have
a relationship with their narcissistic
child they know the tips that you
provided and the other narcissists lack
series is there any specific thing
that's unique to them that they can do I
think for parents of adult children what
gets tricky is not only it's a parental
relationship so you'll always feel like
there's a caregiving responsibilities
you'll have even if like you're you're
80 and your kids 55 you probably still
feel a responsibility there that it's
it's the it's the boundary setting is
understanding your limits it's
understanding how to set boundaries and
set expectations so you can remain in
other important relationships like
perhaps your grandchildren's lives it's
also getting the therapeutic help you
need to stop blaming yourself or if
indeed it really was that terrible a
childhood you can't change it but to be
self reflective about it and it may mean
that if your child said you were that
cruel apparent to me I gotta leave you
then again therapeutic work can be
around their own acceptance so that's
where it gets complicated and sometimes
parents who go through this have to
reflect on their own narcissism
narcissistic parents can sometimes
forget narcissistic kids and they then
it really becomes a war
world's as two - people are trying to
know it I right know I'm right
you were a terrible parent you're a
terrible child honestly when the
elephants fight I don't know that anyone
can get in between that arm right final
thoughts on managing a relationship with
an earth narcissistic child I would say
when it's an adult child please make
sure if you're in this situation and
there's finances involved ensure that
you have somebody to help you safeguard
your money because it is quite possible
that we can see cases of financial elder
abuse that if your child has access to
your resources as somebody gets older
they especially if their faculties do
start to diminish and you don't make
these plans ahead of time you could be
in a really risky position so it's
always important to put family assets
and trust so at the time of your passing
even if one or more of your kids are
narcissistic you can ensure that your
estate is distributed as you had
intended good information to remember in
our next session we will talk about
managing narcissistic in-laws thanks for
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you