How to not talk politics with friends
How to Talk Politics and Keep Friends | Timothy Dale | TEDxUWLaCrosse
Timecodes:
that was in college I volunteered at a
Senior Center and I did a lot of puzzles
taking trips to the local movie theater
but I felt like I wanted to do something
more and this was about the time where
poker was being televised on TV some of
these poker tournaments and I thought
it'd be really fun if we had a poker
club at the Senior Center so I put out a
sign-up sheet I talked to some people
who were really interested in it but no
one signed up for the poker club and it
was a little strange so I went around
and asked some people why they weren't
signing up and they said well we would
but we're really afraid people are gonna
talk politics at the poker club and so I
said well I think I have a solution to
this so we would create a poker club and
there would be two rules two poker club
the first rule of poker Club is we're
not allowed to bet real money and the
second rule the poker club is you're not
allowed to talk politics
so poker club started we had about 12
people we had it going for several weeks
and we were going great great fun but on
a day and the third week there was a
lull in the conversation and one of the
poker players got a little bold and said
you know this guy running for Senate I
don't I don't like him he's a bum and I
don't like anything he stands for the
room froze and one by one people got up
and left the room and so as I sat there
over the next minute people were getting
up and leaving and the only two people
left in the room was me and our poker
player turned political commentator and
he looks at me and says well should we
go ahead and bet money and break both of
our rules today no that wasn't a good
idea so we didn't bet real money but
ever since then I really have been
thinking about the chain reaction that
happens when politics comes up in a
conversation and at worse do we lose
friends and at best we just lose our
poker club and so it's kind of stuck
with me this question is it possible to
talk politics and keep friends
this is an especially important question
in a democracy because if we can't talk
politics in a democracy then we're not
doing our jobs we need to talk politics
because we need to get things done we
need to talk politics because we need to
come up with the best policies and
hopefully we can live in a democracy and
still be friends with people so can we
have a chain reaction that isn't the
chain reaction that causes enemies in
politics can we have a chain reaction
that instead maybe even makes
friendships better well one of the
things that we notice is that human life
is about conflict we have conflict all
the time we have conflict with our
friends we have conflict with our
partners at home we have arguments about
sports we have arguments about whether
or not we should go out to eat well
restaurant we should go to we have
arguments about whether the pots and
pans belong in the top shelf of the
dishwasher or the bottom shelf I think
we all know they can be put on either
shelf but what is it about politics that
gets people so angry and part of the
answer is that politics are about things
that have a large degree of meaning to
us they matter it matters what we do on
immigration it matters what we do in
terms of taxation and it matters what we
do in terms of the government's role in
our life and so people really like
sports but when a sports team wins or
loses it doesn't have a direct impact on
our lives the way that politics does the
other reason that people get upset about
politics is that politics are about
identity so when we have a position on
something in politics it isn't just that
we happen to believe something it's also
that believing that is a key part of
what makes us us so let's take a local
political example let's say there's a
debate about whether or not a should be
built in a city now this pool is
controversial but if I believe in
building a pool it's not that I just
happen to like pools it's also that I'm
the kind of person who believes that we
should put in a pool and if I'm against
the pool it's not that I just happen to
be against the pool but I think it is
important that a city spends money on
things
than a pool and so much like sports we
get into heated arguments when I'm a
Packer fan I believe that me being a
Packer fan is really critical for my
understanding of myself but when you
combine high stakes with something that
is close to someone's identity
you get controversy and not only
controversy but a controversy that cuts
so deep that it's easy for people to
have falling outs with their friends now
one of the things really important to
talk about here is that we are sometimes
tempted to think that politics is more
negative today than it's ever been and I
think we all know the story of Alexander
Hamilton losing the duel to Aaron Burr
and that politics literally resulted in
dueling to the death but my favorite
story from early in American history
comes from 1798 and Roger Griswold is a
representative from Connecticut and
Matthew Lyon is a representative from
Vermont and Lyon is accused of spitting
on Griswold and so at the next Assembly
of the House of Representatives this is
at the Capitol Griswold shows up with
his cane and starts hitting Lyon over
the head with it
20 times actually assaults him on the
floor of the House of Representatives
Lyon has to fight him off with a fire
poker the whole place is going crazy and
so I wonder much like our friends
playing poker or our friend here finding
himself off with a fire poker is it
possible to talk politics and keep
friends well fortunately I think there
are ways to do that and in order to talk
about that we need to think about the
kinds of things we should do in
conversations when we're talking
politics the first of these things is
what we refer to as reciprocity
reciprocity is the idea that I am
expecting from you in a conversation
exactly what I'm giving to you in the
conversation now a lesson on reciprocity
was taught to me by my daughter several
years ago it was Valentine's Day she was
5 and she gets a Valentine she looks at
it and says I don't like this Valentine
I wish you wouldn't given it to me
throws it on the ground it's not a very
nice thing to do
and so we had a long commerce
about what we ought to do and so I took
her into a room and I'm talking to her
and she said I don't understand what's
going on you told me I'm supposed to be
honest and I didn't like that Valentine
and so it took a while to move past that
honesty part and I finally said well if
I if you had made a Valentine for me and
I looked at it and threw it on the
ground and said I didn't want it how
would you feel and she said sad and I
said so it's probably a good idea to do
things that we would want people to do
to us so I thought she might have gotten
the lesson the next morning we're
getting ready for school and she's tying
her shoes and I'm getting really
impatient because I want to leave and
she really likes school so I said if you
aren't ready in one minute I am leaving
without you and she looks up at me and
says dad if you were tying your shoes
wouldn't you want someone to wait for
you she's now nine years old by the way
and I still haven't won an argument with
her but this is the point of reciprocity
are we willing to do for someone else
what they are doing for us and so when
it comes to political discussions
reciprocity can take several forms the
first form relates to something that we
think is really important in a democracy
and that is freedom of speech now we
think of freedom of speech we think of
the First Amendment and that we all have
a right to speak our minds but when we
think about freedom of speech we usually
think about this person the person
talking the freedom of speech means I
have a right to say anything that I want
to say and no one can do anything about
it but the problem with freedom of
speech just as freedom of speech is that
it doesn't require anyone to be
listening and so even though freedom of
speech we usually think looks like this
most of the time freedom of speech looks
like this because if we are going to
have a freedom of speech the rest of us
also have to have an obligation to
listen because if we're all talking all
the time no one's gonna hear anyone else
and then we're all speaking but we're
not actually having a conversation so
one important point of reciprocity in
our project to talk politics and keep
friends is giving an equal amount of
time to someone are you allowing
everyone in the conversation to talk and
we've all been those conversations where
someone's dominating the conversation in
the case of a college professor we're
usually on the wrong end of that but the
question for democracy and the question
for keeping friends
is are we being reciprocal in our
listening the other thing that is part
of reciprocity is generosity when we're
making political arguments to our
friends we expect our friends to read
the best motives possible on to our
arguments so if I'm making an argument
against a pool I'm going to expect that
other people in the conversation don't
think that I hate children when someone
is making an argument for a pool we are
going to expect that they are not saying
that they want to be lazy and send their
kids to the pool and not care about them
for the rest of the summer but that
again that they are the kind of people
who believe that a pool is a good idea
in a community and so when we think
about the reciprocity of generosity
we're thinking about how it is that
we're reading the best possible motives
onto the people that we're talking to
now in addition to reciprocity we should
talk about mutual respect mutual respect
is the idea that when we have a
political discussion with someone the
very fact that we're having the
political discussion already means that
we respect the other person enough to
have the political discussion and so
when we are talking to someone about
politics mutual respect is the idea that
I am going to listen to your arguments
I'm going to pay attention to your
arguments and I'm going to give you the
respect that that I also expect based on
reciprocity neutral respect is the idea
that in a democracy we all respect each
other enough to know that we're bringing
genuinely held beliefs and values to the
conversation and even when we disagree
we have all come to our opinions through
a good-faith effort to try to figure out
what's best for our society and so when
we're thinking about this the next time
we have political discussions I have a
few takeaways that you can bring to the
conversation the next time you have a
political debate and want to keep
friends the first of these we've already
talked about and that is listening the
question of listening is not just about
sitting there waiting for the other
person to be done so that we can talk
it's also not about sitting there
thinking of the next thing we're going
to say so that we will have something to
say listening is very important because
at the very least it helps us understand
where the other person is coming from
and
the most it actually helps us because it
may teach us something about what the
other person is saying and that's the
other thing that listening helps with is
that having a political debate with
someone and want you to be friends with
them at the end means trying to
understand why they're making the
arguments that they're making of course
you have the disagreement you have the
disagreement and that's why you're
having the argument but why is it that
the person is making that argument what
is it that they're arguing and where is
it coming from that's really a step in
the right direction for talking politics
and keeping friends and so to help us
out in political discussion I have a few
things that we can say out loud in
political discussions that will help us
talk politics and keep friends these are
things like I understand where you're
coming from you may disagree but I
understand where you're coming from in
this argument I can see why you would
believe that even though we disagree
I can see given the things that you're
saying you could conclude the thing that
you're arguing and finally and this is a
really important one I think we can
agree on a basic premise that now in
most discussions you can if it is a lot
of work you can go all the way to I
think we can agree on a basic premise
that we're having a conversation that
we're human hopefully you can build from
that into something else some other kind
of unifying principle but if you say
this in a conversation you are more
likely to bring that conversation to a
point where you can stay friends and
still have your disagreement now someone
could have listened to all this and
might say something like well it's
always someone else's fault
I'm perfectly nice everyone else was
mean and look at society society is
filled with negativity any political
debate I get into my friends by the way
who are all jerks they're the ones who
are mean to me so we can practice our
phrases to this person we might say I
understand where you're coming from
politics is certainly negative and it
can get us down because there are a lot
of people who are negative I can see why
you would believe that because maybe
your friends are jerks
maybe they tend to be jerks in a
political conversation but I think we
can agree on the basic premise that
politics and political discussions can
start with the individual
and just as a chain-reaction can develop
negatively when someone is a jerk in a
conversation and turns a conversation
bad so too could there be a positive
chain reaction that when you say these
things in a conversation you actually
cultivate friendships and in the process
you actually cultivate the democracy and
so we might be able to have a poker club
that doesn't end up with people storming
out of the room we may be able to have a
session of Congress without someone
having to defend themselves with a fire
poker
and that is why talking politics and
keeping friends is key to understanding
how we make democracy work thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
