How to not talk politics with family
How to Talk Politics When You Disagree | Ciaran O'Connor | TEDxYouth@Austin
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[Music]
you know that moment when you're hanging
out with your friends or you're sitting
around the dinner table with your
parents and all of a sudden the
conversation turns to politics all of a
sudden someone says something about the
Liberals or the Conservatives or
something they saw on fox or MSNBC or
maybe tick tock I don't know all of a
sudden things start to feel a little bit
tense what should I do in this situation
is this gonna turn into a fight am I
gonna have to defend my positions is
this gonna destroy my relationship what
should I do I'm here today to talk about
politics but not about what you should
believe or who you should vote for I'm
here to talk about what you can do when
politics comes up in the conversation
and how we can talk to people we
disagree with because let's face it
talking politics these days is not easy
politics has always been a passionate
subject and we've always had deep
political disagreements that's the way
it's supposed to be
we need passion in our politics because
after all the decisions made by our
political leaders affect our lives
our future our families but American
democracy is built on our ability not
just to argue about politics and to try
to beat each other at the polls but to
discuss and debate in productive ways so
that we can find solutions to our
biggest problems whether it's poverty or
climate change or decisions of war and
peace but our country has become so
divided and our political culture so
toxic it threatens the very nature of
our democracy because in today's climate
Americans no longer see their political
opponents is simply misguided or wrong
they see them as bad people whose ways
of thinking are dangerous or
incomprehensible
they see them as enemies this level of
rancor and mistrust not only makes it
harder for us to have a political
conversation it makes it harder for us
to move forward as a nation regardless
of who the president is or which parties
in power this level of polarization it
degrades our public discourse
it'll Rhodes trust in each other in our
institutions it harms our relationships
it makes it harder and harder for us to
empathize an easier and easier us for us
to dehumanize now after the 2016
election people all over the country
started losing friendships over politics
arguments on social media began to spill
into the classroom and the workplace I
know some people who didn't want to go
home for Thanksgiving this year because
they were afraid impeachment was gonna
come up at the dinner table two days ago
I was in an uber and the driver told me
he no longer talks to his dad because of
an argument they had about Medicare but
it's not just the stories the data backs
it up to in 1965 percent of Americans
said they'd have a serious problem if
their son or their daughter married
someone of the opposite political party
today that number is 50% another recent
study found that 15% of Americans across
the political divide agreed that our
country would be better off if large
numbers of opposing partisans just died
who clearly we need to find a better way
to relate to people we disagree with but
we don't have to agree we don't have to
change our positions or necessarily
arrive at some kind of mushy centrist
compromise but we do have to change how
we think about conflict how we approach
these conversations and ultimately how
we treat one another fortunately there
are some simple and proven ways to talk
about politics that lead to more
understanding more trust
more empathy all of which build the
foundation needed to find common ground
so what should you do when you find
yourself facing a difficult political
conversation the first thing to keep in
mind and this might be the most
important is you're probably not gonna
be able to change the other person's
mind if I go into a conversation
immediately trying to tell the other
person they're wrong or tell them their
position is foolish or their facts are
wrong they're immediately gonna get
defensive they're either gonna try to
shut down the conversation or they're
gonna escalate it into a fight and then
both sides are gonna leave the
conversation even more polarized angry
and full of mistrust than when they went
into it but if I go into a conversation
with the goal of understanding the other
side's point of view and then expressing
my own without any expectation that I'm
gonna persuade them the conversation is
gonna be a lot more productive and a lot
less likely to turn into a shouting
match so by treating political
conversations is an opportunity to learn
and to be heard
rather than opportunities to convince or
persuade we can clarify disagreements we
can reduce stereotyped thinking and we
can begin to overcome fear and anger we
can start to build the trust that we
need to explore a common ground in good
faith because if you trust that the
person you're talking to is actually
trying to understand what you're saying
rather than just beat you or humiliate
you you're a lot more likely to
recognize the commonalities that do
exist one of the biggest problems with
social media is that it's trained us to
be jerks after all a tweet or a post
that's making fun of somebody or dunking
on them as some people like to call it
it's probably gonna get a lot more
retweets than a carefully considered
tweet that wrestles with the nuances of
alternate positions because more and
more on social media we're just playing
to the home crowd we're not actually
trying to engage people we disagree with
we're trying to show our own tribe our
own
team that were on the right side and
doing battle with the enemies on the
other but this approach to conversation
is ultimately self-defeating it might
give you a momentary rush of validation
but it's counterproductive and if you
bring this approach to in-person
conversations you're just gonna push
people further and further into radical
take-no-prisoners attitudes instead try
to understand the other person's
viewpoint before responding with your
own try using I statements like this is
how I see it
rather than true statements well this is
how it is try sharing your perspective
rather than just making pronouncements
see if you can find something in common
if at all possible if you lead with
agreement it softens the other person up
and it actually makes it easier for you
to get your point across see if you can
acknowledge what the other person said
before you respond try going back and
forth between acknowledging what they
said and then making your own points
this one's really important try asking
people about their own lived experiences
the experiences that have led them to
their positions this will help people
explain why they feel the way they do in
a way that's unique to them it's a lot
harder to invalidate someone's
experience than it is to invalidate a
partisan talking point that may or may
not be relevant or accurate now there
are also some things that you probably
shouldn't do if you want to have a
healthy conversation first off try to
avoid getting agitated or raising your
voice this is easier said than done but
even something as simple as taking a
breath before you speak or respond will
help you avoid escalating try to avoid
asking gotcha questions
rather than questions of understanding
so what's a gotcha question a gotcha
question is a question that's designed
to make the other person look stupid or
ignorant or cruel versus a question
that's actually trying to figure out
what they think so for example you could
say do you have any concerns about X
politicians comments about Y group of
people versus how could you vote for
such a monster
if you immediately jump to the labels
and the generalizations and the
stereotypes it's just gonna inflame the
situation and get the other person to
shut down another thing people tend to
do is they take the worst
characteristics in a certain politician
and then they ascribe it to anyone who
supports that politician well if you
support so-and-so then you must believe
such-and-such making these assumptions
makes the other person feel like you're
intentionally trying to misrepresent
what they think overall try to respect
the Worth and dignity of the person
you're talking to even if the views they
express leave you dumbfounded or
appalled because we all have friends or
family members whose views don't align
with ours and if you want to maintain
these relationships especially if
politics is important to them and it's
also important to you it's crucial to
try to empathize rather than demonize
because at the end of the day engaging
with perspectives you don't agree with
is not the same as surrendering or
compromising in fact talking to people
you disagree with actually broadens your
own perspective and it improves your
ability to articulate your own positions
if you simply stay in your own little
bubble you're just gonna limit yourself
you're gonna rely more and more on
tribal stereotypes and less and less on
what you actually think and feel so by
observing these simple principles and
practices and beginning to think of
conversations as opportunities to learn
listen to be heard rather than just
opportunities to win or score points we
can break down barriers we can overcome
that natural fight-or-flight response we
get to conflict and we can actually find
the common ground where it does exist
this doesn't require us to agree it
doesn't require us to abandon our values
it doesn't require us again to come to
some kind of false centrist compromise
or meet in the mushy middle but it does
require respect empathy and courage all
of which are qualities we can cultivate
if we want to strengthen our
relationships if we want to reduce
stereotypes and if we want to help bring
our nation together in 2020 and beyond
so no pressure but the future of our
democracy depends on it thank you
[Applause]
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