How to not get too close in a relationship
How to STOP Obsessing Over Someone and START Letting Go (Best Relationship Advice)
Timecodes:
it's so funny about relationships
because we think we're just supposed to
be naturally good at it
it's kind of like money it's like no one
really teaches you about finances and
then you come
to be an adult and you're like oh are we
supposed to learn that
did i miss the class on finances and so
many of us are
almost embarrassed to go looking for
relationship advice especially for guys
it's like dude you're reading a
book called the five love languages man
i didn't want to be caught dead reading
this in a coffee shop now i'm telling
you that not because i'm a relationship
expert my girlfriend would definitely
agree with that statement i'm telling
you that because no one's born
knowing how to be in a relationship with
someone and spend
that much time with someone hence
quarantine wanting to rip their heads
off right but man if you're gonna spend
a lot of time with someone get in a
relationship right or at least knowing
this stuff that we're talking about in
these kinds of videos
super important and so on that point
like where do we get our relationship
advice from knowing that most people
don't seek it out
we get it from television we get it from
movies and even growing up we're
programmed with like this disney fairy
tale of
this person really obsessed with another
person and then they're really obsessed
back
and that's what creates true love so in
this video i want to dispel that myth
and go really deep on it because i
actually think that
doing the opposite will get you better
results there's three main points in
this video and the first one is this
anytime you are over attached to
something
you actually get worse results not
better ones
now hear me out think about this in
terms of a
job interview we think that if we go
into a job interview
we're really wanting the job needing the
job we're super hungry
we're gonna perform better nine times
out of ten that just gets you in your
own head
you maybe don't act like yourself you're
maybe really nervous they pick up on
that and they're like what the heck is
wrong with this guy or girl
we think that if we want a good body you
know we just have to brainwash ourselves
with pictures of ripped people with
six-pack abs
but what's the problem there we're over
attached to it and anytime you look in
the mirror
now all of a sudden because you don't
have this you start beating yourself up
you start nitpicking every one of your
flaws you start seeing your love handles
even though other people can't even
notice that
it makes you feel less confidence not
more and now let's go back to the frame
that most people approach their
relationship with
or your crush with or the person you
want to date you're like if i'm really
interested in this person if i'm really
obsessed with
this person that's going to win them
over that's going to get them to like me
because i see it in the movies or i see
it
you know elsewhere or maybe i'm just i
can't control it i'm just so all in i'm
so
out of the gate just 100 out of 100. a
lot of times that energy doesn't
translate as passion or
interest it translates as you need
someone else to complete you
when you go after someone right and
you're chasing them
that also carries the energy of like
neediness
and almost insecurity so understand that
the more you pursue someone over and
over and over again
right though i mean we all know this
from a texting perspective right if
you're texting someone
and there's like five or six blue texts
from you
right and like one little white text or
green text
don't text anyone where it's on green
right that's your first red flag right
there
one text back what does that convey that
they're more important than you
that they're up here and you're down
here and so you're kind of like
looking up at them one of the most
repulsive things for people is neediness
is clinginess
unless they're an unhealthy person where
they like that and they're fueled on
that some people are
right that neediness is gonna translate
as a lack of confidence for you
now here is the second thing you really
need to understand
okay most people's idea of a
relationship is completely
flawed to begin with now here's the
thing i was reading this book
very long time ago this is osho he wrote
the book intimacy
he also ran a coal in oregon for what
it's worth so i don't know
but he had some good ideas in here minus
the coal osha says that there's three
types of love okay and most people go
after these two forms and they never get
to the third form which is the most
important one
the first form this is dependent love
this is where one person is down here
and the other person's value is up here
okay this is how most people approach
getting in a relationship with someone
or if you're obsessed with someone and
you keep checking your phone over and
over and over again
right and you feel like they're not
reciprocating or they're not texting you
back as fast or they're not
putting as much interest in you this is
this falls into the dependent category
one person has more interest than the
other okay and so he says that
dependence
is not really love it's one of the
lowest forms
because it masquerades as love but
ultimately it's not
because no one wants to be dependent on
right or if someone's in a relationship
and you're like the caretaker eventually
that role is going to get kind of old
of taking care of someone someone's
needs or financially or whatever
right if someone's really dependent on
you then you're not going to have as
much energy for yourself and that's
going to drain you over time so that's
the first kind
now the second kind and this is also
equally as in odds common
this is where both people are dependent
on
each other this is what we call
codependence
okay now some people want this some
people think that this is love like
if i need them as much as they need me
right here
and we can just you know be obsessed
with each other and get matching
t-shirts and you know hold hands 24 7 in
public
and ah just be obsessed all day long but
what happens
anyone who's been in a relationship
knows that maybe at the start you know
you have some of that right
and that's kind of the the passion at
the beginning
but then when that goes away a little
bit month two month three
and both of you are like oh no we're
that we're that you know obsession where
we have to do things 24 7 go together
people are like they freak out and they
want that back because it's like flashy
and it's what we see in romance films
and stuff
but that's not the deepest form of love
osha would say and if you look at any
marriage right it's not like
that the whole time i mean you go to
work they go to work you got kids
there's other things that take
priorities like people who've been
married 20 30 years
would look at that and laugh or maybe
you've been in a long-term relationship
before or
you're in one right and your friend
starts dating someone and within like a
month he's like dude she's the one he's
the one
you know we're obsessed over each other
and they like want to give you
relationship advice and you're like all
right you've been together for a month
give it like
six six months a year two years and
let's see who's talking now right
that you're looking at them and they're
in that codependent style relationship
again unavoidable at the start there's
nothing wrong there
but just know that that is almost more
of a
immature type of love okay and it's not
really the highest form
the highest form is this interdependence
okay this is where both people are
self-full enough
both people's value is right here it's
equal
and they choose to come together because
it's magnified
together one plus one together
equals three an entity which is your
relationship that
is the mature form of love we're going
to go deeper
but in an analogy to really paint this
picture
you're going you see a sunset like hey i
got this great place to watch the sunset
we're going to eat in and out burgers
we're going to watch it it's going to be
a great time so you drive up there
and you watch the sunset and instead of
watching the sunset
you're just staring at them the whole
time they're like dude watch the sun so
you're like no you're more beautiful
than the sunset
like how would you feel if someone did
that to you that'd be kind of creepy
right
that's the neediness that's the
dependent love some people
think that that is love that is not then
there's codependence
same situation right there sunset in and
out good time right
that's where both of you are like what
sunset i just want to look at you the
whole time no i want to look at you the
whole time let's take selfies oh my god
let's tweet about like you're not really
enjoying the thing right there in front
of you you're just
trying to like you know you're just
distracted by each other
that's the codependent style but the
third kind right here this is the
interdependence
it's where you're both sitting there
you're watching the sunset you're having
a good time
you know that the other person is there
with you because they're literally
sitting right next door right
you can feel them that it's fine but
you're both enjoying the moment together
you're both watching that sunset because
you know that they're there and you
trust that they're there
you're not going through your head like
do they love me or they watch it like
why aren't they paying attention to me
why
why don't they care about me why are
they distracted by this stupid sunset
like i should be more important than
this freaking sunset
you see my point those are the three
times of love but most people want those
first two because it's like an ego love
here's the biggest thing you need to
understand
the two most important needs we have all
right
you would say love is one of those right
yes
love is one of those love is one of
those needs you need it
you know if you don't love a baby up
until the age of like four or whatever
we're one of the only animals where you
can't survive on your own without the
love of a mother or love of a stranger
or people who are taking care of you
right you need people to do that that's
hardwired into us
but there's a need higher than love okay
now this is
very meta and very important for you to
understand
you know what that is freedom freedom is
higher is a higher need than love it
supersedes it
no one wants to be possessed they want
to be loved but they don't want to be
possessed
so if you come into a relationship or
you approach someone
with one of those first two types of
love right there codependence
or dependence one of you is trying to
possess the other person almost you're
trying to control them
and you hear people all the time i was
in a really controlling relationship
right or he's so controlling so let's
bring this all full circle now
we started this video by saying that
when you're over attached when you're
over obsessed with people that that
actually
pushes them away now you know why
because
there's three kinds of love dependence
codependence and interdependence these
two push people away
and even if they don't for the first six
weeks they will over six months six
years
it's not a good place to have a
relationship from okay
the reason is because people they don't
want to be possessed
intuitively you feel this they need the
need of love
but ultimately the need of freedom
supersedes their need of
love and any time you have these you're
taking away their freedom they will feel
that
and thus want to run away so they can be
free
this is why detachment right and
not detaching from someone okay but
detaching from the result
detaching from the idea of what you
think love has to look like right
being more go with the flow almost
caring less
about the outcomes of things definitely
gets you better results and i've seen
this time and time again in my life i'm
playing with this idea
in almost every area and it's one of the
most powerful ideas i've come across
recently this is one of the things we
speak about so much in my metamorphic
coaching program
just did a 10 week round with
some of the first founding members and
like two of them got new relationships
okay i knew one of them hadn't dated in
like 15 years
and when you start shifting into this
2.0 version of you right which we help
you create
and shift into so it doesn't feel fake
or vague it's just natural of who you
are
you start to notice you raise yourself
up and then everything in your life all
the people all the opportunities that
come to you
are higher as well because they're on
the same level and remember you attract
what you are not what you want
so if you're interested in creating the
two point of view of having an identity
shift what i'll do now
is i'll link down below just a free like
30 minute video you don't even have to
subscribe to anything i'm not going to
ask you to buy anything at the end of it
okay
just telling you a bit more about that
process if that's
if you're curious about it and then as
well at the end of that video if you
want
you can apply for this program to have a
call with myself or someone
and we'll tell you a little bit more
about that and if it even makes sense
for you
thanks so much for watching until next
time stop settling start living
see ya
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