does that mean you will feel bored
sometimes
yeah it will but that's okay
[Music]
hello my lovelies and welcome back it's
ash your truth bombing fairy godmother
for everything love dating and
relationships ah it feels so good to be
back filming again
as i mentioned in my last video i've
actually been on holidays for the past
couple of weeks
and as amazing as it was i missed you
all like crazy and i'm very
very happy to be back in my last upload
i spoke about the attraction
and the addiction to rollercoaster
chaotic relationships
and as promised i said i would do an
entire separate video
on the concept of feeling bored by
healthy
consistent stable relationships so
that's exactly what we're going to dive
into today and of course how we can
actually
heal from these patterns of feeling
bored by people
who are actually good loving matches for
us
but first if you think you could benefit
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helpful or if it resonated with you in
any way
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up below okay
so in my last video i discussed the
reason that so many of us feel
turned on by drama chaos
uncertainty or a lack of security in our
romantic relationships
and this is often due to growing up in
environments where feeling
secure and safe either emotionally or
physically was simply not our norm
perhaps we had a home that was
especially volatile
or unpredictable or perhaps we simply
had caretakers who were just
not emotionally available to us in the
way that we needed them to be
and as a result in adulthood it's very
common to feel
drawn to or ignited by people who mirror
that experience
and at the same time we will also feel
bored
restless or anxious when presented with
healthy
stable secure love and one of the most
common ways i see this manifesting
itself
is when people are addicted to the
honeymoon phase of a relationship
because during the honeymoon phase
things are still
somewhat of a mystery they're usually
quite light or even more
surface level and therefore the reality
or the
sometimes ugly brutal
raw parts of life and true intimacy with
another person
haven't really been tapped into yet and
once things in the relationship begin to
turn that corner and
that element of mystery begins to fade
and those feelings of butterflies and
excitement began to subside
people who are only turned on by
unpredictability
and uncertainty as opposed to safety and
security
will generally flee and i was absolutely
one of those people relationships with
unpredictable
uncertain unavailable partners allowed
me to perpetually stay in that honeymoon
phase
so those were the relationships that
felt right to me and i want to point out
here that the term
honeymoon phase doesn't necessarily mean
that things were good
or even particularly enjoyable the
quality
of my relationships with my ex partners
was all but interestingly
because of the lack of genuine emotional
connectedness
and availability i never progressed
past that initial stage of craving them
all the time
desperately wanting their attention
always seeking and craving their
approval
etc etc which is what happens in
insecure relationships
my emotions both good and bad were in a
constant
heightened state because i was always
left to guess where i stood
and that is very much still a type of
honeymoon phase because i
never exited that i'm so obsessed with
you
please love me stage because with
stability
in a relationship comes a sense of
boredom sometimes
and i never got the chance to feel bored
by my ex-partners because i never had
true security
and when we don't know better and we
chase people from a wounded part of
ourselves that feels turned on by
disconnect
and abandonment we interpret the boredom
that sometimes
comes with stability as a bad thing we
see it as a red flag instead of a sign
that we have entered a more genuine
healthy safe secure bond with another
human
i've been very slowly working my way
through a book
called come as you are by dr emily
nagoski
and in it she very extensively discusses
this phenomenon
of particularly women feeling
highly turned on and stimulated within
relationships that are under
some type of threat aka relationships
that we are not
fully emotionally safe or secure within
and the psychological science behind it
is absolutely fascinating so i
definitely
recommend you read this book but i know
that this is something that
so many of us have experienced i can't
tell you
how many people i've spoken to over the
years who have admitted to me
that the most in love they've ever felt
which
i think they're confusing in love with
sexual arousal and desire but anyway the
most
in love they've ever felt were with
partners
who were toxic unpredictable and
emotionally unavailable
as opposed to those who were safe
healthy
and loving and they feel this way most
likely due to the extreme amount of
emotional stimulation
and therefore lack of boredom that they
experienced in those relationships
so how do we heal this pattern how do we
turn
towards healthy loving relationships
instead of interpreting
boredom or restlessness as signs that we
should leave or go and chase the next
high
firstly i'll reiterate the suggestions
that i made in my last video
taking responsibility for your desire
and your cravings
for spontaneity excitement
adventure newness etc is absolutely
vital
it is not your partner's job or anyone
else's job for that matter
to keep you on your toes or to keep you
emotionally stimulated
you have to learn how to meet that need
yourself
in healthy non-destructive ways things
like
traveling going on little spontaneous
adventures
nurturing your creativity staying
connected
to more playful parts of your spirit are
all things that will have to remain a
priority for you that way
when you do feel bored or
understimulated by the lack of emotional
highs and lows
in your healthy stable relationship you
don't project those feelings
of restlessness onto your significant
other or interpret them as a sign
that you should ditch them for someone
who will keep you more interested
by causing you emotional chaos and
turmoil
you have to learn to work with your
patterns in ways that don't involve
re-traumatizing yourself in your
relationships my second suggestion
is one that elizabeth earnshaw at liz
listens on instagram
explained so perfectly recently which is
to
stop entering relationships with people
with the aim of taming the chaos aka
trying to fix change or win over people
who are not emotionally available to us
from the get-go as she explains it when
we grow up
in the midst of chaos we will of course
hope
to one day have peace sometimes though
this early experience will normalize
chaos
in our relationships we might believe
that the only way to peace
is through the chaos not recognizing
that there is another option
to start with a relationship that is
safe and peaceful
from the get-go we hope that we can tame
it
that we can change it hoping one day we
can change something
we could never change in our childhood
yet deeply desired to have different
the adult self tries to heal the child
self by making a similar situation
different yet we often find that we
cannot make these situations different
the challenge stays the same and it's
the challenge of trying
to change something or someone that
allows us to stay
perpetually stuck in that place of
honeymoon-ish
limbo where we can feel perpetually
emotionally stimulated and turned on by
the uncertainty
yet also completely deprived of genuine
acceptance intimacy and love with
another person
where we can forever avoid feelings of
boredom
yet also feel completely alone
and abandoned and you deserve
better you deserve to enter a
relationship with someone
who is available safe
stable and secure from the beginning
does that mean you will feel bored
sometimes
yeah it will but that's okay
that's actually not a bad thing and i
think
most if not all relationship psychs and
therapists would agree
that periodic boredom in a relationship
is a really good healthy sign because
when you are in a long-term relationship
with someone that
doesn't play games doesn't keep you in
the dark and is
fully emotionally open present and
available to you
that allows you the emotional space
and the opportunity to feel bored
sometimes
and just like with any other
uncomfortable emotion or feeling
we have to learn to welcome in our
boredom
to acknowledge it when it's there to
take responsibility for it
and to nurture it not to see it as this
terrible
awful thing or sign that we are doing
something wrong
or that we are with the wrong person
befriend your boredom
and learn what it is your inner child
needs from you
in the moments when it comes up okay you
gorgeous people i'm gonna go ahead and
stop there
but as always i would love to hear what
you think and if feeling
bored by healthy stable secure love
is something that you've struggled with
or perhaps you're currently struggling
with
thank you so much for watching and i
will see you all
next week
till the sun comes up