How to know when to stop reaching out to a friend
When Do Friendships Expire And How to End Them | Kati Morton
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i received a question recently on the
patreon live stream and it got so there
was so much conversation around it that
i wanted to share it here and the
question had to do with working on
ourselves
and then realizing that the
relationships we have in our life maybe
aren't the right ones anymore or that
the dynamic between people in our lives
isn't what we want and the person who
asked the question was saying that
they're doing all this work on
themselves in therapy and then they went
out to a dinner for their birthday and
they realized
that in all of their friendships
they
have made it okay for them to not be the
center of attention ever like that
everybody else always cuts them off
takes the floor and talks about
themselves and even when they try to
tell people how they're doing the other
people in their lives bring it right
back to them and we've all had
relationships like that but
today instead of
just telling you like the therapy kind
of
reasons why this can happen and how we
can make it better i want to share more
of a personal story now when i was
probably between the ages of like 28
and like 32 i ended three really close
friendships
and
it was really hard for me i'm gonna be
honest it was a really difficult time
and i kept thinking like maybe
something's wrong with me
i was going in to see my therapist i'm
like what's my role in this like why is
this so frustrating and why why do i
feel so hurt by this and anyway going
around and running around about what i
was going through and why
this was happening in in such a short
period of time losing three i mean these
are like super super close friends of
mine and
my therapist brought my attention to
something and she'd asked me when those
relationships started
and that's important it was important
for me because these relationships began
when i wasn't the best version of myself
now you guys know i've been in and out
of therapy since i was 15 but my first
therapist from ages 15 until i went away
to college at 18
wasn't a really good fit i grew up in a
super small town she was like one of
maybe three options and she was super
religious as you guys know i was raised
in church but don't go any more
personally and it
it just wasn't what i needed it wasn't a
good fit and so i didn't really start
making personal progress until i saw my
therapist rebecca at pepperdine because
most universities offer therapy for free
thank god
and i started seeing her at least once a
week when my dad started getting sick i
went twice a week for a while but
in that time i realized how much of a
people pleaser i was and for those of
you who've been following me for a long
time you know i'm a recovering people
pleaser and i bring that up because
the friendships that ended in this time
in my late 20s to early 30s were
friendships that began
before i was 19 years old
maybe 19 to 20 maybe one of them i met i
think i met her when i was 19 and we
became really close friends by like 20.
so all those friendships began when i
was barely even aware of the fact that i
was a people pleaser and that that was a
bad thing in all the ways it had played
out in my life
now flash forward like 10 years into my
late 20s i finally realized that that
this wasn't something that i wanted and
that when i wasn't serving them first
we had issues and there were arguments
and disagreements and i remember even
meeting one of my friends before the
friendship just kind of faded away
i remember meeting her and thinking that
it went well and coming back uh home to
tell sean like i think we really
repaired things you know i really
apologized and like
we're both gonna do better and he asked
me he's like did she say sorry for you
know all the other things like talking
behind your back and being really
judgmental and being so negative did she
apologize for any of that
and i was quiet cause i was like
no
no she didn't he's like well it didn't
sound like it went very well i was like
it didn't
oh
and i had that realization again i
didn't see it myself i don't want any of
you to think that like
i knew i know better and i always do
better and going to therapy just means
like oh i know things and i can change
it right away it's still hard and when
that happened i was like crap i thought
this was this was good and we were going
to be able to repair this and then the
more i thought about it the more i
realized
that i don't think she had ever
apologized for anything i was always the
one that was super apologetic
hello people pleaser right i apologize
for apologizing i apologize to strangers
for being in their way i apologize for
everything right and so
realizing
that dynamic and that i had let that
happen again
made me see it it was like i don't know
it's like a slap in the face right and
so i realized at that point that that
relationship couldn't continue unless
things changed
and i just wanted to bring this up
because i think sometimes we assume that
friendships and relationships in general
last forever
however a lot of times we meet people at
a time in our lives like in my
experience when i wasn't healthy i
didn't have good boundaries i was people
pleasing i was doing everything for
everybody else and leaving nothing for
myself if i meet people at that time in
my life
they maybe like me and want to be
friends with me
for all of the wrong reasons essentially
maybe for some of the behaviors that i
want to change obviously there's
probably some good reasons too right
there's it's not like we're all good or
all bad but some of the things that then
if i get into therapy like i did and
start working to change and to better
communicate and better uphold boundaries
and put myself first
that sometimes those relationships don't
work anymore
and for me it wasn't so much like
they're wrong and i'm right i mean sure
when i was angry and upset and like
grieving i went through that phase of
like oh there's such jerks
but the truth is that they weren't all
wrong and i wasn't all right it was more
that like i had changed i'd like shed a
skin of a past self
and the things that they liked about me
didn't exist anymore and so then those
relationships just didn't work i found
like
another relationship i'll give you
another example that my therapist
challenged me to recognize where i was
putting in so much more effort
in relationships than the other person
and i'll give you another example i had
this friendship that i had for probably
one of my longest friendships and my
therapist had challenged me to recognize
relationships where i was putting in a
ton more effort than the other person
and i recognized this relationship as
one that could possibly be that way and
so
i had talked to this friend and i had
said yeah i've been working in therapy
you know and i'm just trying to put in
the same amount of effort in my
relationships as i'm getting out of it
and she was like yeah of course that
makes sense sounds super healthy and
helpful and so
i did that with her
and i stopped being the only one to
reach out if she would call me
then i would always call her and it
would you know that was kind of the give
and take and if she was going to ask me
how my day was i was going to ask how
hard it was now i know this sounds
really contrived but just hang with me
so i started just doing this and i'm not
gonna lie you guys we had that one call
where i told her i was gonna work on
this and i started planning and
preparing on how i would enact that in
my life
and i never talked to her again
because she never called me i always
called her to check in and to see how
she was doing and then probably about
six or eight months later
she reached out to me as she would do
just to ask me for favors and she was
always in dire need it was always this
huge event and
she left me this message being like oh
my god i need your help and i need you
to do this for me
you think i called her back
i didn't and i know you could say katie
you're being a shitty friend but that's
not a friendship in my mind that's not a
healthy friendship and that isn't what i
want to cultivate and that's not what i
want to develop
and
i also don't want people to think that
i'm saying that friendships can't last
forever because i have a lot of good
friends in my life have been around
forever like my friend kim my friend
rocio my friend joanna
and then i have new friendships i've
made time for like dr alexa altman you
guys know her i love her my friend
christina p i
but in all of those relationships
we have grown in the same direction or i
feel that we are going in the same
direction and that doesn't mean that my
friendships aren't varied and people
can't be different but when it comes to
priorities and focuses in relationships
and give and take just that natural ebb
and flow they all have that and the one
way that i know now
that relationships are healthy and good
and things that i should put more effort
into is that i get super excited to see
them
and i know you might be thinking well
that's obvious of course they're your
friends but if we're honest with
ourselves if i'm honest with myself
i wasn't excited to see those other
friends it was actually very draining
for me
and again i'm not right and they're not
wrong it just didn't work anymore right
they wanted to take because that's what
i'd always done right had always been
the giver so that they could take and
when i stopped giving
it was like they were trying to steal
from me and it was just exhausting to
try to fight that off it was like
putting boundaries up while they're
still trying to cross over them and it
was just
draining
and so now all of my relationships and
the friendships that i make time for
because i think we all could agree that
like as we get older our time gets
smaller and smaller to be able to
see friends and and catch up and
all of that becomes something we have to
organize and schedule and
it's just not as easy as it was maybe
you know in college or in our early 20s
and so
really i just want to talk about this
because the person who asked the
question it clearly resonated with a lot
of you on patreon and some of the
questions that she had at the end were
like
how do i
let them know that these things are
happening
and also lamenting and wishing that we
go back to a time when we didn't know
and i feel that sometimes do you ever
feel like you have these realizations in
your life or your therapist
notice patterns and you're like i wish i
could go back to when i didn't know
about that because now i can't unsee it
it's almost like when someone tells you
this photo net looks like two people
kissing or something like sean recently
sent me this meme where it's like
wolverine looks like two batman's
kissing and now i can't unsee it it's
like that in therapy you're like i can't
unsee that i can't unknow that and now
it's affecting everything but it is for
the better and the one thing i did do
with all of these friendships is because
i didn't feel it didn't make sense to me
to directly be like hey can you let me
talk for a bit like i don't i don't
think that's what i want to cultivate
either right i don't want to be pushy
and feel too aggressive i want to be
assertive and clear
and so what i said to each of these
friends in different ways was like hey
you know i've been working on myself
because they knew i'd been in therapy
for a long time and they knew i was
doing this and i'm like i'm trying to
find a way to better communicate and
advocate for myself so if you find me
like letting you know i'm upset really
early on or being more communicative
about how i'm feeling it's just because
i'm trying to be better and do better
and all of them were like yeah awesome
of course you know
and even my friend joanna actually when
i told her about this she was like yeah
of course how can i can i help is there
a way you know like gonna give you more
time to talk you know people
real friends will will try to assist and
be there and support so i let all these
friends know i was making these changes
and trying to be better
and then
you know i gave them opportunities to
meet me where i was at and to kind of go
in the direction that i was trying to
make my life go
in the way that i wanted my
relationships to continue
and i'm going to be honest here all
three of those relationships just fell
off so there was no big fight there was
no big we're not friends anymore
conversation it was more like hey you're
going your way and i'm going my way and
again their way's not wrong and my way
is not right it was just this time in my
life where i realized hey these aren't
relationships that are serving me
anymore
they're not breath in they're not
filling me up
and i don't know if you're going through
that i hope that this kind of helps
sometimes i think personal stories are a
little more it's easier to hear and
learn um i know that from myself and
yeah
right now i feel pretty good i i
definitely feel like i'm in a time of
transition or in a time of
transformation in life and maybe i'll go
through another layer of this i don't
know for any of you have you been
through many rounds of this i've only
been through i mean there were three
friendships but it was like
i'm kind of like a four or five year
period where it all happened and that's
why i was looking inside because i'm
like oh my god
am i like a totally person
is this why my friendships are ending
and then i realize no it's because we're
not the same people we were when we met
each other and decided to be friends i
don't know if anybody ever watched the
new girl
but i think it was like season two maybe
one
where
the main character uh i think her name
is jess and then cece her best friend
they're like would we be friends if we
met now
and they kind of the answer is no
and sometimes i think if we wouldn't be
friends with someone now
maybe we shouldn't be friends with them
now you know like if we met just because
we've known each other for a long time
doesn't mean the relationships have to
continue they can if we grow together
but sometimes and in my case in those
three relationships
it was best just to let it go so
anyway that's just a little story time
from me and something that we talked
about on the patreon live stream that
just got a lot of chatter and i hope
it's helpful at the very least i hope
hearing some of my own personal stories
just gives a little more
i don't know gives a deeper
understanding maybe is is helpful to you
in some way if you like these kinds of
videos i'm happy to share more like this
i just never really have so just just a
little bit different but give it a like
let me know in those comments if you
enjoy this and i will see you next time
bye
you
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