How to know when to make a relationship official
Making A Relationship OFFICIAL | 5 Things To Consider Before You Do
Timecodes:
So, you have to not only be able to say
I’m willing to try to be committed
no, you've got to be able to say to yourself
I see myself being happily committed.
Now granted, we cannot
predict the future.
Things will happen
and sometimes, that happy commitment
turns into people being miserable or
all kinds of drama going on.
God forbid but...
(Music)
Hey, what's up everybody?
This is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks
back with another
dating and relationship advice video
here to tell you
the 5 things you need to consider
before making a relationship official.
Now, before we begin as always
be sure to like this video,
share this video,
subscribe to the channel,
and comment below.
Tell me one of the things you feel
should be considered
before making a relationship official.
Now listen, we could apply
what I’m about to say to marriage.
If it was up to me
we would be focused more on marriage
rather than boyfriend girlfriend relationships.
Like, I really think that
being friends and going to marry
is a more efficient process
but I’ll have to break that down for you
on a different video, all right.
But the reality is that people get into
boyfriend girlfriend relationships,
they want to make it official
they want to go through that process
before getting into marriage.
And just as you need to
do your due diligence
before you get married,
well, you need to do your due diligence
before you even make it official.
Like, what's the point of
getting in a serious relationship
if you haven't covered your basis,
if you haven't addressed things properly
to make sure you can have
a successful transition
into a relationship with hopes of
possibly now being married down the road.
But what I've noticed is a lot of people
just come to the decision of
I like them, I see potential,
so let me get into a relationship with them.
No, stop with all that,
that's not working.
That is getting people into a lot of trouble
because they are skipping the steps
and skipping the questions
and the things to consider
before taking it there.
So, let me break down for you
the five things you need to consider
before making a relationship official.
Number one,
have you discussed expectations?
So, here's the thing.
How we behave
or what we consider appropriate
or what we expect while we're dating
does not always tend to match up with
what people are expecting
in an official relationship.
And where a lot of people go wrong is
they assume that they continue with
how they were in the "dating phase"
in the "relationship phase."
And it really doesn't work like that.
One quick example that comes to mind is
if... And I’m not putting this on the men.
But let's say as a man
she hasn't really required you to
"check in with her"
or you know, touch base with her
on a more consistent basis because
you guys are getting to know each other.
And you start to believe that
she's just cool like that,
she's not putting any pressure,
she doesn't need that kind of...
She doesn't require that out of you.
Below and behold
she's only not doing it
because you guys are still dating.
But she is going to wholeheartedly
expect that once you guys are official.
So, these are...
Or that's one example of
something that has to be
discussed beforehand.
What is required of each other
in a relationship?
What is considered appropriate
or inappropriate behavior
once we're in a committed relationship?
How do we handle certain situations?
I would highly suggest
sitting down and
throwing out random situations,
maybe situations you've
experienced in the past
and say okay,
how would we handle this?
Or how do we agree
that this will be handled going forward?
And the key is
to make sure we're on the same page
before we decide to make it official.
Now, some people may say
well, why can't you just figure that out
on the fly once you're official.
No, that's how you get into trouble.
That's how you cause problems
and things only get worse from there.
It's better to cover these situations
and these issues
before taking that next step.
So, sit down and lay out from each other
what you expect from your girlfriend,
what you expect from your boyfriend.
Make sure you guys
are in agreeance with that
and if you are,
now you can move forward.
But if you see in that stage
that you're not on the same page,
that there are things that you think
are ridiculous or are
unfair or unreasonable
for that partner to require
well, guess what?
You guys not only
should you not make it official,
stop the dating, it's done.
Ain't nothing going to work here,
it's over move on,
move on to something better.
Now, number two
to the second thing or
another thing you should consider
before making a relationship official is
will you or can you be
happily committed to this person?
Now, you notice I said
happily committed.
Listen, some of you all are
trying to commit
but it's... You're not happy
you're not at peace because
for whatever reason you either feel like
you still want to live your life,
you feel like
maybe this person doesn't give you
everything you need so you need to
seek it elsewhere.
Maybe you're not truly in love with them,
whatever the case may be.
If you can't see yourself happily committed
then what is the point of
making it official?
To become or to walk into
an official relationship together is to say
we are going to be committed.
We only have eyes for each other
and we are no longer
entertaining anyone else.
Now, some people may say
that should have happened in the dating phase,
but listen, people date differently
and that depends on those two individuals.
But what most will agree is
once we agree to commit
we agree to be loyal
and faithful and that's it.
So, you've really got to ask yourself
can I be happy with this person
and that's it.
Can I be happy only allowing myself
to entertain this individual?
If you have any hesitation in that
it's not time to be official.
And again, if it's not time to be official,
it also may be time to walk away.
Because you got to go deeper
and say why?
Why would I not be
happily committed to this individual?
Is it a fixable issue?
Is the problem that
there is a glaring conflict that we have
that we've yet to resolve?
And if that's the case cool,
let's address it,
let's see if we can resolve it,
but if we can't
there is no point in moving forward.
So, you have to not only be able to say
I’m willing to try to be committed,
no, you've got to be able to say to yourself
I see myself being happily committed.
Now granted, we cannot predict the future.
Things will happen and sometimes
that happy commitment
turns into people being miserable or
all kinds of drama going on.
God forbid, but that's different than
when you can see in advance
you're not going to be at peace here.
You're not going to be able to
keep your focus on this relationship
and this relationship only.
And if that is the case
move on and let it go.
The third thing to consider
before you make it official is
do you see a future with them?
So, listen, unfortunately,
there are a lot of individuals who
just want a relationship.
They just want someone
they can talk to,
they can cuddle with,
they want that companionship in their life.
And even though they don't truly
see a future with this individual
they're willing to just "go with the flow"
or enjoy it for the moment, you know.
See what happens,
all types of things that should
or are not healthy
for the long term of the relationship.
And they're not healthy especially when
that individual wants more than that.
But start with yourself.
Do you see a future with them?
If you do not,
if you only see them
as a temporary filler
why are we trying to make it official?
Again, if you don't see a future with them
but you want companionship.
Now, preferably I would rather
you just leave the whole thing alone.
But some people might be cool with it,
though, I think there's
other issues going on there.
Still, two grown adults may agree
that they just want to enjoy
each other for the moment.
If you communicate that
in honesty and be transparent
and they're cool with this fine.
But to enter into a
committed relationship with them
when you don't really
see a future with them
especially when you have not
made sure that
they are okay with the fact that
you see no future with them
is a very unhealthy toxic approach to take
and it's unfair and it's wrong
and you should not do it. And guess what,
you're not just wasting their time,
you're wasting your time.
Listen, I know that everyone
may not aspire to be married,
but the most or majority of people
or I’ll say most people
who are trying to have
committed relationships,
there's a part of them
that wants to be married,
if not, all of them wants to be married.
Let's not be in denial of that
and let's not fool ourselves or fool them
and try to play this in-between game.
Again, if you want to be in between
then don't even be official.
Then you guys can kick it
as grown adults,
I’m not condoning it,
I’m not suggesting it,
but if that's what you want to do so be it,
but at least you're doing it
with you both being on the same page about it.
But to do it when you guys are
not connecting on that issue
that's a problem.
Which brings me to number four.
Do you even want the same things?
So, listen,
whatever two grown adults
want to do is on them.
I’m not here to tell you how
you have to run your life.
I’m here to give you perspectives,
suggest to you what I believe
or what I know is healthy
and the more efficient way to do things,
but you as an adult
have to make your own decisions
just as they have to.
But you have to be fair enough to them
to give them honesty and allow them
to make that decision for themselves.
And so, you have to talk to each other
and find out,
do we even want the same things?
Because if we don't,
what the hell are we doing here?
What is the point
if we want to go in different directions
with this relationship?
And neither of you
should be trying to convince the other
or think to yourself,
well, I’ll hang around here
hoping I can get them to now
be on board with what I want.
So, if you just want casual
and they want something serious,
don't think you can beat them into
submission of wanting something casual.
Same way, don't think you can
convince or trick them into
thinking they want something serious.
It's not going to work
and even if you possibly
at some point succeed
trust me, you're doing it with them
going against what they really want.
Therefore, it's going to create
conflict within them,
therefore, it's going to create conflict
within the relationship.
So, you're creating
a very unhealthy environment
regardless at that point.
So, there's no need to fight
what they really want
and to go against what you really want.
If you're not there with each other
let it go move on.
You know as I keep saying it,
let it go and move on.
We've got to stop holding on to relationships
we don't belong in
and stop dragging along situations
that aren't going anywhere.
And the last thing to consider
before making a relationship official is
have you addressed
any lingering baggage?
Now, when I say baggage
this may sound bad but I mean
baggage in the sense of
emotional baggage,
but also anything that
you may determine as baggage.
So, for example if they have
issues with the child's father
or child's mother, all right.
That could be considered baggage
that needs to be resolved.
If they are having conflicts
or they allow their family to be a problem
in the potential relationship,
that's an issue that needs to be resolved.
Whatever you think
is lingering baggage
that needs to be let go and released,
it needs to be addressed.
So, yes, have they also
healed from their past?
Have they healed from their past relationships?
Now again, we live in a society
that wants to say well,
everyone has issues,
everyone's broken,
no one's going to be perfect.
And I completely understand that
yes, most of us have experienced issues
but please don't get it twisted.
Not everyone at the moment
has issues that are detrimental
to the health of a relationship.
It is one thing to have
some struggles and flaws
that we're still working on
but many people and it may be you,
you have issues of unresolved
pain and hurt and disappointment
that will actually impact the relationship
in a very negative way.
That needs to be addressed,
that needs to be resolved.
If you need help with that
please check out my book
Love After Heartbreak.
You can click the link in the description
or in the comment section
or go to loveafterheartbreak.com
which will tell you
how to heal from any past hurt,
relationships, family, you name it.
But regardless you cannot skip this step.
If you are serious about
setting yourself up for
a great amazing relationship
and one that can then potentially become
a healthy amazing marriage,
then you've got to do the work first.
And part of that work is
making sure you both heal.
We talk about marriage counseling
before getting married,
which people should do.
But guess what?
You should also do couples counseling
if you're going to talk about getting serious with each other.
Some of you all may say that's crazy,
we're just dating or
we're just in a "a relationship."
Well, listen, if the point is to
get to a higher level with each other,
why are we kicking the can down the road?
Why are we going to take the chance
of those old issues, that baggage
creeping into our committed relationship,
wreaking havoc and ruining
the potential of something better
occurring between us,
ruining our ability to take it to the next level?
That doesn't make sense.
It would be better and more efficient
to address those things as soon as possible.
Now, I would love for everyone
to do the work while they're single.
I would love for you if you are single now
to focus on your healing
and not wait till you meet someone.
But if you have already
or you've overlooked this
for whatever reason,
no more overlooking,
no more moving past it,
no more kicking the can down the road.
It is time to heal,
resolve the issues,
and get your things in order.
That baggage cannot go with you
into your relationship
and you cannot expect
your partner to just deal with it.
You cannot take it and just dump it on them
and say well, if you love me
it's your problem too.
Granted, they should be
encouraging, helping you,
and it's not that we won't
face issues together.
But when you are coming
into it with baggage,
it is your responsibility to correct it
and address it,
overall resolve it, all right.
So, those are the five things
you should consider before
making a relationship official.
As always leave your comments below,
what you think is maybe another
thing to consider before
making a relationship official.
Be sure to like this video,
share this video, subscribe to this channel,
and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.
(Music)
(Music)
Related queries:
how long should you wait to make a relationship official
when to make a relationship official
when should you make relationship official
how soon is too soon to make a relationship official
