you know the saying that resentment is
like drinking poison
and hoping the other person dies and
that saying
is so fitting because when we are
sitting in and struggling with
resentment
it feels terrible but just for
us because more often than not the
person that we are feeling resentful
towards
doesn't even know that we have all this
resentment and so they don't really
feel anything so i want to talk today
about resentment
and a few ways that we can get ourselves
stuck in resentment
and what we can do about it because
who wants to be drinking poison and
feeling that
terrible that often it's not always easy
to just
snap ourselves out of this one so i hope
that the tools
that i teach you today will really help
with that
stay tuned i think you're gonna like
this one i've been using this and it's
been really
really helping me if you're new here
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either way my name is julia christina
and i am a registered clinical therapist
a researcher a coach and the creator of
my membership community
the shift society this is where we take
this work deeper
this is where we do this
transformational stuff in community
with support with tools and step by
steps
make sure that you do get in there the
link to
get on the waitlist for the shift
society is in the description below and
right now the only way to get in
is through the wait list so make sure
that you do get
onto that
and i help heart center go-getter men
and women bring to the crab that is
holding them back so they can like
themselves and their lives more every
day and resentment like i said this is a
big one that really holds us back
can really just sort of fester and
simmer in there
and i want you to take a minute now and
i want you to think about anyone
in your life that you have resentment
towards if it's a boss if it's a parent
if it's a partner if it's a friend
who is that person and just take a
minute who is it that you are harboring
some resentment
when you think about them that you get
angry that you just all of these sort of
like fiery feelings start coming up
in your belly i just want you to take a
minute and i want you to think about
what it is that you resent
them for because the truth is
often what creates our resentment
is when someone hasn't done
or said or treated us
in a way that we want them to treat us
or done what we wanted them to do or
said what we wanted
them to say and so it's created
resentment is created by unfulfilled
expectations
and the truth is is that often
that person doesn't even know that we
have those expectations
of them more often than not we have
these secret expectations
we have these ideas of how someone is
supposed to be
or how someone is supposed to be towards
us or
they're supposed to be doing for us or
around us
that they might not even know about and
so that's like i said before
we can be feeling all of this anger and
bitterness and resentment inside and
that person has no idea
what's happening sometimes we do
communicate those expectations
sometimes resentment comes after we have
said something that we wanted
or something that we expected or we've
we've
asked someone for something and then
they haven't come through for that
and then we have resentment because of
that and now there is a difference
and so being honest with ourselves
there's a difference between telling
someone what we want
and just expecting them to do that just
because we told them
versus sitting down and having a
conversation
with someone a a deep or a honest
or a yeah just an authentic conversation
with someone
where you've come to an agreement about
some kind of change or some kind of
thing that's going to happen and then
that person doesn't fulfill their end of
the bargain
and then we feel resentful because of
that now
if that is happening then that is
another issue that needs to be looked at
at a deeper level
but more often than not like i said
resentment comes because we have secret
expectations that people are not
fulfilling
or we've just told them what we wanted
and we just expected them
to fulfill that we've expected that what
we want
should be as important to them as
it is to us
and so then we create a lot of
resentment
for ourselves because of that
so i want to give you an example of this
i want you guys to give you an example
of
my own resentment that came up for me
uh with my husband so if those of you
who follow me on either instagram
or facebook you know that just a little
while ago we had a little family road
trip
up to the lake um and spent the week at
the lake just
relaxing and swimming and floating and
the drive there is about a five hour
drive it's a five five hour drive kind
of through some windy roads and through
the mountains
and so it's not the easiest drive but
it's not a terrible one either anyways i
digress
on the way home my husband was driving
and because we just spent a week
having fun being outside playing and
you know not a care in the world my kids
were feeling kind of restless being
stuck in the back of the car
and they were feeling kind of tired and
they were feeling kind of antsy so there
was a lot of
there was some fighting and there was
some fussing
and there was some fidgeting all the all
the f's
and so i decided that i wanted to make
sure that my husband could focus on the
drive
and just really just have yeah just have
some quiet
and and have not just crazy going on in
the car the whole time and so i spent
uh i would say 90 of our drive that five
hour drive
trying to keep kids quiet and engaged
and happy
and and yeah not creating all kinds of
chaos
so it was exhausting i was exhausted it
was a full-time job
managing three small children seven five
and two in the back seat of a car from
the front seat
for almost five hours so then
we got home we pulled into our driveway
i looked at my husband and i said thanks
so much for getting us home safely for
doing
such a good job driving and he looked at
me and said
thank you now on the surface
that might seem completely reasonable to
you but on the inside
things started boiling things started
festering
all kinds of feelings started coming up
and i started to feel resentful
and in my head i was thinking you didn't
thank me
you didn't thank me for doing all that
hard work for that long
not even recognizing or acknowledging
right and then all these thoughts start
to go through our heads like oh my gosh
like you're so selfish
you don't value me you don't care about
me and all this like really dramatic
stuff that of course is not true but in
the moment
that's just what the human brain does
and so i got myself
all upset and he's fine he's just like
unpacking the car
and going upstairs and i'm sitting here
like seething
under the surface but then i had to get
curious
i had to get curious and say julia what
are you doing right now and i think that
our emotions
are such a powerful tool for curiosity
whenever we're feeling an intense
emotion
to use that as a sign as a signal to be
like okay there's something going on
there's something that needs to be
paid attention to and i've talked about
that before about learning how to
respond versus react when we're feeling
emotional like
and responding means that we take a
second and tune in and check in
and learn from what we're feeling
instead of just acting on what we're
feeling
and so i did that and i took a few deep
breaths i'm like why are you feeling so
resentful
oh because he didn't meet my expectation
my
unspoken expectation
about what he should have said to me to
recognize
the effort that i put in to getting us
home safely
so then i got even more curious and
started to ask myself why do you need
that approval from him
why do you need your partner i mean it's
nice of course it's nice to be
recognized and it's nice to be
appreciated
but do i need that
and what would it mean for me to give
that to myself
what would it mean for me to take a
second and say good for me
you did great that was hard and you did
it
and you really showed up or whatever
that is
and giving myself that recognition
because we can do that
we think that it's only other people
that are available to make us feel good
by recognizing us but did you know that
you could also make yourself feel good
by recognizing yourself giving yourself
a pat on the back a gold star whatever
that is
i say it kind of tongue-in-cheek but i'm
serious right now
hearing it from yourself we so often
outsource
our our good feelings our sense of pride
to other people waiting for other people
to give that to us when
we can actually give it to ourselves and
so i did and i gave myself that
recognition and
you might not believe it until you try
it but i felt good afterwards i'm like
yeah that's kind of what i needed to
hear
i told myself what i needed to hear
and my resentment went down and i
realized
that i was placing expectations on him
about what i thought he should be doing
what i thought he should be thinking and
what i was making it mean
that like well he obviously doesn't
value me if he's not gonna
recognize what i did but his head could
be completely somewhere else he's happy
to get home
he's kind of distracted from just having
driven for five hours he's focused on
unpacking the car
i don't know where his head is frankly
none of my business what is my business
is managing my own mind around it
and not placing that on to him
and thinking that he should know what
i'm thinking which goes back to how we
all
have our own rule book how we often
place our rules
on other people and i'm going to do a
whole video about the rule book
so stay tuned for that because that is
like a mind-blowing life-changing
training in and of itself
but just taking a step back and asking
yourself
i'm what am i doing to create my own
resentment
because somebody else is not acting or
doing or saying what i
think they should be doing or acting
like or
saying and is that really their fault
or is this my expectation
to manage
what am i expecting and is it actually
their job to fulfill that expectation
and now some of you might say yes it's
that person's job to fulfill my
expectation to read my mind to know what
i need and to
meet those needs and maybe that is true
maybe you do think that but i just
wanted to take a second i want you to
flip that for a minute
and i just want you to think about how
you would feel
if someone thought of you that it's your
job to meet their needs fulfill their
expectation know what they need and try
to make them happy
how would you feel if someone else
thought
that that was your role in life that was
your job
in life is to be doing all those things
for them and i think that this is an
important thing that we think about
because so often we put expectations on
other people and think other people have
to fulfill our expectations
but then if someone else puts an
expectation on us we're like how dare
you
that's not my responsibility that's not
what i put on this planet to make you
happy to do whatever you want
and so thinking about that a little bit
taking more responsibility
for our own expectations taking more
responsibility for our own needs
instead of outsourcing our happiness
to other people when they are not even
in here
and know exactly what that is that we
need
for our happiness we know what we need
for our happiness
we are allowed to fulfill that
we are allowed to meet our own darn
needs and often
it goes a lot better join us in the
shift society
get on the wait list if learning how to
just take a sec like i talked about
there that skill
of noticing the feelings and the
resentment bubbling up
that skill of being able to recognize it
before barking out something before
like clapping at him in some way my
ability to do that that
did not happen on its own and if you
can't do that yet do not worry
that has taken a lot of practice and
it's taken learning a lot of different
tools
and having support and practice and
yeah just really working that out um
through a lot of what i teach in the
shift society so make sure you get in
there but if just to start you off
learning how to just take a step back
and take a breath before doing or saying
something
just getting curious about what's going
through your mind that's creating
all of the emotional distress get my 10
minute guided mindfulness exercise
that's going to be a good starting point
for you it is free you can get that in
the description
below what connected with you
what about this resentment stuff
connected with you
and maybe some of you are hanging on to
resentment from deeper stuff
from deeper pains or traumas that
happened in your childhood or
in the past in some capacity even as an
adult
so sometimes there is more going on in
there but
really looking at that really looking at
that resentment
and really looking at whether or not
keeping it
is helpful is healthy
is healing
so glad you're here let me know what
connected with you like the video
share it out if you thought more people
need to hear this and until next time
take good care