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How To Stop Feeling Resentment & Disappointment In Your Relationship

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hello my name is noah elkrief and in

this video i'd like to talk about how to

stop feeling resentment and

disappointment in your relationship so

to start out I just like to ask you a

question would you be happy and

fulfilled if you were in the perfect

relationship or if you had the perfect

partner for you take a moment to answer

that for yourself for most of us we

think the answer is yes we've been

trained almost our whole life so TV

movies parents friends all that stuff

that if we find the perfect person for

us if we get married and it's just right

then that would make us happy and

fulfilled but if we're in a relationship

and we're not fulfilled and we're not

happy then naturally we come to the

conclusion that I am NOT happy and I am

not fulfilled because my relationship

isn't good enough right so that makes us

feel disappointed about our relationship

and then most of us will then blame the

insufficiencies in our relationship or

the apparent insufficiencies of our

relationship on our partner and then we

feel resentment for them because if they

were perfect then I would be fulfilled

but since they aren't good enough that's

why I'm not fulfilled in this

relationship so this resentment and

disappointment is pretty much

experienced by most people because as

long as we believe that a relationship

can fulfill us we're going to feel

lacking in our relationship so if you

want to stop resenting your partner for

not being fulfilled yourself if you want

to stop feeling disappointed about your

relationship then there's a very easy

way to do it you just have to discover

that a relationship

can't make you happy you just need to

discover that somebody else doesn't have

the ability to make you happy so if

you're ready to do that let's look at it

right now

so if we believe that a relationship can

fulfill us then we're essentially

believing that another person can

fulfill us so the first question we need

to ask ourselves is what makes me

unhappy what is the cause of my lack of

fulfillment and the answer to that is

thoughts thoughts are what create all of

our unwanted emotions it's just these

negative thoughts about ourselves others

the future the past that's what creates

our shame our lack our anxiety our

sadness our guilt all of that stuff is

what prevents us from feeling fulfilled

so if we're saying that somebody else

has the ability to make me happy we are

essentially believing that somebody else

has the ability to change all my

negative thoughts to positive thoughts

or to get rid of all of the negative

thoughts that make me unhappy and

unfulfilled in my life that's normal we

you know we've been taught that we just

haven't been aware of what we're

actually believing so if we look at it

now to start out the first point is do

you have or did you come into your

relationship with any sense of

unworthiness unloved ability feelings of

shame feelings of insecurity about

yourself about your physical appearance

about your personality if so does your

partner have the ability to eliminate

those thoughts to take away those

thoughts to change all those thoughts to

positive you may have discovered that

they can distract you from them or maybe

change one or two but with most of our

sense of unworthiness and shame and all

that we've had it for almost our whole

life or for many years so these beliefs

are very strong and no matter how much

your partner loves us no matter how much

they try to show us that we're wonderful

and loving and worthy and all of that

they don't have the power to change our

negative thoughts about ourselves to

positive they just don't have the

ability to do it so if you can recognize

my partner doesn't have the ability to

change my negative thoughts about myself

then can I acknowledge that they are not

to blame from my sense of unloved

ability or unworthiness or not being

loved right that's just created by

thoughts the second point is did you

come into your relationship with any

judgments about your life or in other

words were there aspects of your life

that you didn't like maybe you didn't

like your job or you didn't think you

were making up money or your apartment

wasn't big enough for different aspects

of your life probably weren't good

enough in your head at least so that

creates a sense of lack that creates

sadness that creates anxiety all those

things so when you entered into a

relationship you imagined that that

would just make you happy or if somebody

loved you that would make you happy but

can your partner eliminate all those

negative thoughts that you have about

different elements of your life or in

addition when you get married when you

get some love then you probably have new

judgments about your house isn't clean

enough big enough nice enough all those

types of things so if you can take a

moment right now I just look is it

realistic to imagine that my partner

should have the ability with a power to

change all those negative thoughts so

that I don't feel lacking and it's if

and sad and have anxiety just take a

moment look you might discover you know

what my partner doesn't have that

capacity doesn't know what I'm thinking

and even if he does what is he supposed

to change every element of my life so it

matches my definition of perfect that's

impossible

so that's the second point as to why

your relationship isn't to blame for

your unhappiness or lack and while your

relationship can't fulfill you and make

you happy the third point is when we

come into a relationship

we're generally looking for someone to

love to make us happy and when we have

some of their love won't we feel it when

we think they love me and all that it

feels nice and we think it makes us

happy so once we think that their love

makes us happy or at least then we also

come to the conclusion naturally that it

would be bad if I don't have their love

all right we make it better to have

their love bad to not have their love so

as soon as we think that it would be bad

if I lose their love or don't have their

love of course we're going to begin to

worry about it all right we're gonna

worry do it do they love me enough you

know and constantly be looking for them

to reassure us of that love but no

matter how much our partner loves us

there's no way for us to know with

absolute certainty that they do love us

right there's no way to know with

absolute certainty

so therefore this worrying will

constantly remain and even if we're

absolutely short let's just imagine

we're so 100% sure there's no way for us

to know about the next moment that they

won't stop loving us so when we're

looking for their love to make us happy

we're going to keep worrying about

whether we still have their love and and

what to do to keep their love and that's

not very enjoyable and there's nothing

our partner can do about that so that's

another reason why your partner isn't to

blame

for your unhappiness you were for lack

of fulfillment once again it's just

thoughts in addition all of us have many

different types of anxieties and

judgments about all different things in

our life right we have anxieties in our

job we have anxieties about our kids we

have worries about the future we have so

many different judgments about our

parents are worried about our parents

approval or all those types of things

continue to create our sense of lack or

shame our sadness our anger our guilt

all of that in our life no matter what

our partner does for us no matter how

perfect they are for us they can't

change all these thoughts we have about

ourselves so therefore a perfect

relationship can't eliminate these

things that make us unhappy and lastly

the fourth point is just that maybe

fifth is that we tend to have many

different concepts about why our partner

isn't good enough maybe we think they

don't cook up maybe would they think

they don't buy us enough gifts maybe

they don't love us enough maybe they

don't appreciate us enough maybe they

don't clean enough maybe there aren't a

good enough father maybe they're not all

those types of things we have so many so

many concepts of perfect that we're

constantly comparing our partner to

these ideas and deciding something they

do isn't good enough and once we decide

that it creates anger resentment

separation all these types of different

things disappointment but is that really

our partners fault that we have all

those feelings in those thoughts

there's no way from our partner to match

every single concept we have of perfect

there's just no way right and most of

the concepts they have no idea what our

concept is or they can't change it even

if they wanted to

so can we cut them some slack can we

recognize okay that's how they are and

they don't have the ability to make me

happy so those are the reasons why a

relationship or another

human being can't fulfill us and make us

happy so if you can recognize in this

moment okay I see that our relationship

can't make me happy so what does that

mean well that means the reason why you

aren't fulfilled has nothing to do with

your relationship and has nothing to do

with your partner so you can stop

blaming them for your unhappiness you

can stop feeling resentment towards them

because you're not fulfilled you can

stop feeling disappointed that your

relationship somehow isn't good enough

because you're not fulfilled it has

nothing to do with the quality of your

relationship you not being fulfilled

only has to do with the thoughts in your

mind and that's it so that can give you

a little bit of freedom a little bit

more peace in your relationship and

allow you to enjoy it more because

you're no longer looking at it as a tool

to fulfill you but the other thing that

this recognition can do is it can help

you to become happy because you can see

look what's causing my unhappiness

thoughts and once you see that thoughts

are creating your unhappiness and lack

of fulfillment then you can begin to

address those thoughts you can begin to

stop believing them you can begin to

give some of your energy to that right

as long as you're looking for your

relationship to fulfill you you're going

to a place that can't actually fulfill

you it's it's a game that you can't win

so you might as well just stop for a

moment and examine it recognize discover

oh if a relationship can't make me happy

then maybe it's time to try looking for

my happiness in another place to try

addressing the actual cause of my

unhappiness so that's why relationships

can't fulfill us the video is helpful

and please don't hesitate to contact me

if you have any questions thanks for

watching

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