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Marriage Killer #1 - Resentment - Special Guest Self Differentiation Expert Jerry Wise

hello my name is Jerry Weis I'm a

therapist at family tree counseling

associates in Carmel Indiana just north

of Indianapolis and I appreciate you

tuning in and the entire the title of

this video is resentment the best way to

kill a marriage of the many reasons why

couples divorce and of the many reasons

why couples live in unhappy marriages I

believe resentment is probably one of

the highest on the list sure there's

financial problems

there's incompatibility in a number of

ways but often resentment over years get

stuck built up and then couples have a

hard time dealing with that and when

they have a hard time dealing with this

it creates an awful lot of distance for

a couple and can often be a create the

death knell for a relationship when

couples talk to me they often have lots

of resentments they've accumulated over

the years of being together all of us

have a bag of leftover hurts resentments

betrayals violations broken promises

that have happened in our lives

all of us have if you lived life very

long you're going to find there's going

to be some problems and which someone's

going to hurt you someone's going to

betray you

someone will lie to you when you've

reached my age you've had quite a bit of

that maybe even caused quite a bit of

that so life is full of hurts and

difficulties then when you throw two

people in clothes into a marriage and

two people into a family then you'll

find the there that number of resentment

or hurt can go up exponentially

because now we're living

with each other daily and there are

problems that can arise I wanted to

share that our family of origin imprints

us with our ability and capacity either

to let go of resentments or for us to

get stuck in our resentments your

ability to be able to let go your

ability to hold on and get stuck has a

lot to do with what we've learned in our

family of origin and has a lot to do

with the emotional field within our

family of origin most of us are not even

aware of all the resentments that we

carry around I think when a lot of time

couples come in they've pushed down a

lot of resentment hurtin and bitterness

way down deep just to get through each

day and to live with this spouse that

they have in their house and I can

actually become rather numb to it and

not even realize they have those

resentment still brewing in there the

problem is those resentments though

maybe are not as we're consciously aware

of but they certainly take a toll and

have an effective on us so what problems

do resentments cause everything from on

one end of the continuum emotional

distance can cause reactivity between

couples between spouses feelings of out

of control sexual problems fatigue and

obsessiveness about certain issues a

loss of feeling in love and one of the

best ways to begin to restore a feeling

of in love with a spouse is to deal with

resentment depression also can be a

result of resentments a negative

attitude about the world and the people

in it can be the result of lots of

resentments we've

inst even to the other end of the

continuum line cleared out the other end

in which it can cause divorce and at the

extreme extreme end it can cause suicide

and even hurting others when we have

those kinds of resentments or when

they've built up or when our resentment

bag becomes so large

well now what is resentment resentment

is an indignation or ill-will felt as a

result of a real or imagined grievance

and again sometimes we can have

resentments about things that are

imagined and maybe did not even happened

as we thought they happen and we can

fill that bag with resentments until it

gets larger and larger and also we carry

it around with us it can be pretty heavy

and I think of bitterness as

resentfulness on steroids Dale Carnegie

a motivational author said our fatigue

is often caused not by work but by worry

frustration and resentment and then the

most famous quote which I think you've

probably heard which I use often and

it's attributed to a number of authors

so I I'm sorry I don't know who actually

said it or wrote it resentment is like

drinking poison and waiting for the

other person to die and that's often the

result of resentment it ends up

poisoning us is toxic for us but we

think it's hurting someone else it

certainly does impact the system and

certainly does impact the relationship

so how do we deal with our resentments

another author Samantha Lee said

resentment is like a drug once you pick

it up it will only get worse and worse

until you surrender and do the work of

letting it go so how do we do that we do

that first

by committing ourselves to do the work

of letting go of our resentments

in other words committing ourselves to

emptying that bag that bag that we've

been carrying around for years and years

often carrying around for as long as

when we were children and again

committing ourselves to emptying and

giving up that bag of resentment whether

our spouse does or not often the best

place to begin is with our family of

origin

our current resentments have a great

place to stick when we have unresolved

family of origin resentments family of

origin resolve resentments create a

really good flypaper a very sticky

substance emotionally to wear when we

have resentments now it sticks to that

and now we have two layers of

resentments family of origin and current

present resentments let me give you an

example a wife comes in and feels

bullied by her husband and has years of

resentment stuffed in her bag as she

carries it around and she has resentment

towards her husband and has had it's

been very hard for her to let that go so

why is it hard for her to let that go

she's tried a number of different things

she's gone and told her friends she's

gone to her priest and confessed it

she's gone to church he's asked

forgiveness but the resentment still

still stays kin in there

I believe it's often difficult to let go

of current resentments because it is

stuck to the family of origin flypaper

of resentment she felt towards her

father who was bullying and controlling

neither layer have been resolved so the

bag just keeps getting bigger and bigger

and heavier and heavier I choose to

resolve the family of origin a

resentment first and this tends to make

it easier to deal with the current

resentments towards her husband or

towards current relationships and I

think that's a very wise step in the

order of healing I think it's also

important that we get underneath the

resentment and find out what primary

feelings lie under the resentment

I think of resentment almost as a

secondary feeling primary feelings are

feelings like shame fear abandonment

those are primary kinds of feelings

resentment is kind of on top of that

remember there's always an upside to

resentment or an upside to staying stuck

there's also an upside to holding onto

that bag and so many people say well why

would anyone want to hold on to their

resentment Jerry that's crazy

what do you mean there's an upside to

that it's only down and if I just let go

of that bag then I'll be happy and I'll

be free and life will be great

no there is an upside to the downside of

holding that bag and carrying it with us

the bag we carry around of resentment

can keep us safe reduce our anxiety

saves us from future hurt for example if

I resent you then I won't get close

enough to get hurt by you again and this

could cause me to be hurt if I let go of

that bag there could be some downsides

to letting go of that a resentment and I

think it can be very powerful to find

out what are the upsides to holding on

to that resentment and if we can find

out what those are we can unplug from

those or find new ways to not be

vulnerable new ways to protect ourselves

that we don't need the bag to hold on to

and don't have to carry the resentments

for a lifetime if I hold on tight to the

bag of resentment and not let it go it

will keep me in messed with you so I

won't suffer abandonment for example

holding on to resentment creates in

measurement and emotional fusion so I

won't have to fear the experiences of

self differentiation enmeshment feels a

lot safer it's not as happy estate and

it's not a state that really promotes

self esteem self awareness self cares of

love but it does feel safer than self

differentiation higher self esteem and

so if I hold on to this bag it keeps me

in meshed with you and maybe I won't be

abandoned so what is the upside to

holding on to your bag it is possible to

protect yourself without the bag it is

possible to love and be loved without

the bag but it requires some new skills

and a paradigm change we need to think

differently and come and have a

different perspective on our lives and

relationships I want you to come in for

a paradigm change that's what we do here

many people ask well how do I let go of

my bag jury I really want to let go of

it I'm ready and I'm willing and I only

see the good that's going to happen if I

let go of that bag and I always tell

them it's never about how it's about

when dropping a bag only requires you

lift up your arm and let the bag go how

much do we need to know to do that it's

about when and the when occurs when

we're ready then the bag is let go you

might say well that's not very going to

answer jury I want you

- tell me how yeah but if you stay stuck

on the how that keeps the bag connected

to you sticking with the how keeps the

bag stuck to you whereas we if we deal

with the when then there's much more

chance to the bet we can let go of the

bag come on in and I'll explain what I

mean

make an appointment give me a call and

I'll help you with your bag of

resentment

if you live near Indianapolis come into

the office and we can talk if you have

the internet we can meet on skype or

facetime if you can't find a good

counselor in your area which I hope you

can if you can't give me a call on the

screen is my phone number and email

address I'll send you information about

Skype and FaceTime calling or making an

appointment I have clients from San

Francisco to Connecticut I appreciate

you watching the video today have a

great day