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how much of the
child's reaction do you think is from
just their personality they were born
with as opposed to how they're being
influenced by the parents
so i think it's a combination sometimes
there are children with temperaments
that are a little bit more anxious to
begin with a little bit more clingy
but also parents can produce that
behavior in their child
if they're kind of unpredictable in
their parenting meaning sometimes they
are there they're very sensitive to
their child and other times they're
nowhere to be found
and i think sometimes parents
unwittingly
provoke this type of attachment style in
their child for example very busy
parents
you know they're actually working very
hard to make ends meet
but as a little child you don't realize
that your parent was gone for 10 hours
because they weren't working right so
when they're home they're actually
pretty engaged with you and they are
there to meet your needs but then
there's other days where
they come home and they're exhausted and
so then you have a lot of needs and the
parent says you know what i just need a
few minutes alone
and then they take that to personal
offense
yes and so you can see how sometimes
very well-meaning parents can
accidentally cultivate
a preoccupied child um just because
again
of their own needs and them being busy
right oftentimes
children who are anxiously preoccupied
throughout their life they get sort of
re-experiences that strengthen that type
of
attachment style like maybe the
relationship that they choose as adults
they keep choosing dismissive partners
or partners who can't meet their needs
and so then they keep reinforcing that
belief about themselves that
maybe they're unlovable and they don't
want to like sit with that and that's
why they have a hard time being alone
so with no awareness are we most likely
to
mimic the attachment style we were
raised
yes okay yes and i think that there's a
theory
that you end up seeking partners that
are kind of similar to your parents
and you basically reenact the same thing
over and over again
whether it's some type of a trauma or
not and so if you were a child who felt
like you were constantly
reaching for your parent for support and
they were sometimes there and sometimes
not as adults you're attracted to people
who also sort of have those tendencies
where they kind of get busy with their
own lives and again maybe they love you
but you know they just don't have a lot
of bandwidth to
be dealing with your insecurities all
the time
and so i don't really find for example
that
many many people who have the
preoccupied attachment style actually
end up being with each other although
sometimes that does happen
they tend to seek out partners that are
different from them in terms of their
attachment styles and oftentimes
replicating
the parenting style of their caregivers
got it
now it's important to mention here
though that there's not just one cause
for any of those i mean
it can be a hodgepodge of things but i
think it helps people
kind of see where what parts of their
history
might be influencing their current
behavior today absolutely
and as adults these individuals will
oftentimes have a great difficulty
navigating relationships they tend to
ask for a lot from their partners in
terms of nurturance
in some ways they don't have a stable
self-esteem internally so they have to
keep
getting validation from people and it's
like almost a few minutes later they
forgot that validation they have to
seek it again so oftentimes these
individuals will end up in relationships
in which they're not very happy
they've given up all kinds of their own
needs and wants
to satisfy the other person's needs and
wants and
they still feel like they're left out in
the cold and these individuals are also
more at risk for
abusive relationships because again
their need for nurturance is so high
that they're willing to
succumb themselves to extremely
distressing situations
to not be alone and these individuals
oftentimes
adults you'll see them kind of hop from
relationship to relationship
they're serial daters they have a hard
time being alone
and when they're alone they become very
distressed
and it goes for friendships as well so
they
prefer to be with their friends instead
of by themselves and
they will put themselves in
uncomfortable situations just to not be
alone so
even if all of their friends are doing
something that they really don't want to
do they'll go along with the group
as opposed to staying home alone how
does a parent foster
more of that secure attachment within
their child
especially when the child is showing
really
uh intense anxiety and almost a temper
tantrum when that parent leaves
yeah and this is a good question because
there is an interaction between the
parents and the child's
temperament right so temperament is
something that we think of as a nate
you know certain children they're just
more smiley they just make more eye
contact with people around the other
children are not they're more fussy
and these things relate to temperament
it's sort of thought to be something
that's kind of been born
and so i think in general parents
sometimes foster whatever they see in
front of them so if there's a child
whose temperament is more clingy and
anxious
perhaps the mother will also reflect
more anxiety like oh my gosh
are they going to be okay on their own
maybe i shouldn't go out on date night
with my husband because what if my child
needs me
but actually in some ways that
reinforces the anxiety in your child
right because children are actually
quite intuitive and they can sense
emotions in their
caregivers right and so i i think it's
interesting because
when you see that dynamic you can kind
of see that almost it's like a
chicken and egg syndrome after a while
so so what's really happening here and
so i think as parents
you have to monitor your own feelings
irrespective of your child's temperament
in some ways it's sort of like okay
the child is acting very anxious that
brings up a lot of anxiety in me so in
some ways you have to modulate your own
emotions
and appear more calm so that the child
can really learn from that and say oh
maybe there's nothing to be anxious
about i need to start to learn how to
self-soothe those feelings
and so i think some of it is the parents
being really attuned to that and still
maintaining structure despite your
child's temperament
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