I want to read to you a journal entry
that I made around this time last year
in May of 2022. so for context here I
wrote this the day after graduating from
college
let me let me read to you I'm scared
that much is abundantly clear the fear
is maybe best expressed as a fear of not
knowing myself my passion is now retired
my education complete the way in which I
spend my days is to shift completely in
the next few months I was very scared
about graduation and given this the same
time of year and I'm watching a bunch of
friends graduate I've been reflecting a
lot on what it is that I've actually
learned over the past year right because
those scary few months have passed and a
bunch more months since and it really
boils down to three major lessons that I
want to share with you today
[Music]
so I learned the first important lesson
this past summer and the lesson was this
you have to choose your path or else a
path will choose you and this might be
obvious to you but to me I was reading
David Foster Wallace this is water and
he was talking about worship and he was
saying everyone worshiped something so
if you say that you're not worshiping
something well you're just not aware of
what it is that you're worshiping in
other words if you don't pick the path
in your life you're going to absorb by
osmosis the path that's expected of you
because everyone's on some path so if
you haven't defined yours then you're
just kind of following this average of
all the other paths around you the
problem with this is that it doesn't
make you happy it doesn't lead to
fulfillment following an average path is
not a good way to the life that you want
to live the life that will make you
happy so it's not that there's a perfect
path right but by explicitly saying like
hey this is a path that I'm gonna go
down here's why I'm doing it and why I
think it'll lead to a fulfilling life
you're able to move around a little bit
better you're able to push that path in
the direction that you want it to go in
school the path is pretty well defined
just get good grades get into a good
school outside of school there's are so
many more paths to follow you have to
choose but how do you choose a path
that's a very overwhelming thing there's
no one way to do this but as a framework
that I learned in college and it works
like this first you consider where
you're coming from so your childhood
High School College the things that you
value the things that are non-negotiable
for you and the activities that align
the best with those values then you
consider where you want to be in 10 to
20 years if you could pick a life what
would you be living then you consider
where you are today what are your skills
what resources do you have at your
disposal finally the goal of choosing a
path is to find the line that connects
those three points so given who I am in
my background and the things that are
non-negotiable for me and the skills
that I have today and the resources at
my disposal how do I get to the place
that I want to be to my ideal life and
ultimately yeah there will still be a
bunch of possible paths that connect
where you are today and where you want
to be the way that I think you should
choose between these are the way that I
choose between these is by considering
the past and figuring out which one
feels like it would be the most
fulfilling to work on
the second thing I think it's really
shocking when people leave school that
suddenly Community is really hard to
find because in school you almost have
too much Community there are so many
little communities that you can be a
part of you're constantly around people
interesting people you have chances to
participate in groups and so on in
adulthood that that goes away to a large
extent you have to put a lot of energy
into cultivating that yourself I'll
share with you something that worked for
me because again there is no one way to
do this if there was it wouldn't be hard
because we started to have brunch every
Sunday so it started with me and two
friends and then we just started to
invite everyone interesting that we
would come across do you want to come to
brunch with my friends on Sunday we just
have like this running brunch add you to
the group chat you can come whenever you
want it's a low pressure way of building
community and because people are craving
community so much right now you might be
surprised at how many people actually
show up and at the end of the day like
worst case scenario you eat pancakes
with a couple friends
[Music]
now the final lesson that I learned it's
actually I'm cheating a little bit it's
not a lesson that I learned this year I
learned it years ago but it's one that
I've had to apply this year and that is
that you have to be your own best friend
I used to struggle a lot with anxiety I
had really bad negative self-taught when
things were going well in my life I
would tell myself that I didn't deserve
them when things weren't going well in
my life I would tell myself that it was
all my fault there was a lot of
insecurity that I dealt with but one day
I had a bit of a revelation I was
sitting there in bed beating myself up
and I suddenly realized hey if anyone
else talked to me the way that I'm
talking to myself right now I wouldn't
tolerate it I would cut them out of my
life but because it's me for whatever
reason I tolerate it and I realized that
I had control over the way that I talked
to myself in my head I am that voice I
can choose what it says and so I started
to talk to myself as if I were my own
best friend I thought about my best
friend in real life and I thought well
how would I talk to them if they were in
this situation so I started to be like
John I got your back I'm in your corner
we're gonna figure this out it's all
good I literally do this in the third
person I say like hey John I got your
back hey John it's gonna be all good I
cannot overstate how transformational
this has been for me listen after
graduation I had that negative Voice
come back right it's like oh you're
leaving this behind you're leaving
everything behind you made so many
mistakes so many regrets and so on but
if your best friend was graduating would
you beat them up like that would you be
like dude I am proud of you for what
you've done I'm excited for what you're
gonna do to the Future and yeah I
recognize that it's scary and ambiguous
right now but guess what I believe in
you I'm in your corner I'm with you all
the way and we're gonna figure it out
why wouldn't you talk to yourself in
that way why would you be like oh we're
gonna fail so we have to take away no
dude talk to yourself in a good way
right you control that voice seriously
it's one of the biggest things that has
helped with my mental health it worked
wonders for me okay so how do you
actually apply this to your life right
well first you actually have to be aware
of the way that you talk in your head
you need to pay attention to this
conversation and recognize that it's a
conversation and a conversation that you
control okay so paying attention to that
voice and understanding when it's
starting to spiral negatively and then
intervening willfully saying out loud I
find it much better out loud to be like
hey yo John why are we talking to
ourselves like this like come on dude
let's be friends like let's be nice
eventually that voice you start to kind
of habituate it it becomes the default
way that you talk to yourself and yeah
you go back and forth that voice always
slips but I found it to be really
impactful on me in terms of building a
consistent healthy practice in the way
that I talk to myself okay cool so to
recap the three major lessons from this
year one set your own path choose it or
it will choose you two pick the people
that go along in that path and put a lot
of effort into cultivating a
relationship with them and it'll pay
dividends and three the one person who's
guaranteed to be on your path with you
wherever it goes is yourself so make
sure that you treat yourself well and
that you're your own best friend now if
you're curious about what I've been up
to I'm building a social reading app
it's a lot of fun it kind of combines
everything that I've ever cared about
reading social media technology it's
called bookshelves it's pretty early
days but I have a bunch of people beta
testing it right now and I'm very
excited to bring it to you so this is
interesting to you there's a link in the
bio no obligation it's obviously free
for everyone but I'll just email you
when you have beta access and I think
you'll really enjoy so more on that soon
but if you're watching at the end of
this I just figured I'd let you know
it's been a pleasure talking to you
again I hope you're doing well see you
soon