there's little monsters they pop up and
you could whack them with a hammer like
whack-a-mole no problem if you wanted to
but if you don't do that for
360 000 decisions then they all
aggregate into this looming chaos
monster and the probability that that
thing's going to eat you is
or that you're going to live in its
belly because that's where you end up
very bad idea and it's often the case
that people just don't have enough time
and energy left or willpower or
character by that time because they're
destroying their own character
there they've had it you cannot help
them you cannot fix it they're done
they can't be rescued from hell remember
i told you about those experiments with
the married couples
the ones that are going to get divorced
they walk into the little bed and
breakfast and it's hi dear and with a
kind of no no i smile it's like that's a
predatory smile it's like i kind of like
you but these are really teeth and
they're for eating you know really it's
not pleasant and so they're interacting
with each other both of them are really
nice but they're not they're not nice at
all they're carnivorous right to the
damn core and so on the surface it's all
roses and sunshine and like a little
inch below it's all like they're gr like
if you could see their unconscious you'd
see two people with their
hands around each other's throat
and their body knows that because up
goes the cortisol up goes the heart rate
they're sweating away
you know
that's
the belly of the beast that's what that
is and your body it's smart it knows
where you are
you're you know you can ignore it which
you do you know it's like oh this isn't
too bad it's like yeah it's it is it's
really bad it's really really really bad
and you do that long enough it's like
good luck for you
you know you've you've polluted your
psyche
and your surroundings to such a degree
that you can't fix it
and it gets worse than that because if
you stay there long enough you won't
even want to fix it you'll be so angry
at yourself or the other person
that you're going to try as hard as you
can to do everything you possibly can to
make it as bad as you possibly can and
since you have virtually an unlimited
imagination for evil it can get really
bad
so when you get into a self-sustaining
spiral at some point that's a that's a
hellish descent and the reason that hell
is bottomless is because no matter how
bad it is there's some damn devious
nasty horrible little thing that you can
do that you will do that will make it
worse
so
you know people who think that hell
isn't real they're just not paying any
attention at all
imagine that you are we're in a bad
relationship
and maybe you weren't that happy about
it but you know it was better than no
relationship at all
and then the person that you're in a
relationship betrayed you and maybe they
did that because you actually weren't
that happy with the relationship anyways
maybe they did that because you're a
little bit naive or maybe they did that
because you're a little bit too easy to
get along with and as a consequent a
little bit on the boring side
and so when they first leave you it's a
catastrophe because your world falls
apart but when your world falls apart
you're somewhere new
as possible to learn something new in
that place so you might learn for
example that you should be a little
sharper the next time that you go out
with someone or you should be a little
bit more careful
about picking up on clues that your
partner's bored with you or that maybe
you should stop associating with lying
psychopaths and your life would be a lot
more positive and stop thinking that you
have the capacity to redeem somebody
that is not after redemption in the
least
and what that means now and then is that
when you fall into the belly of a whale
and you're swallowed up by something
that lurks underneath
that you can come out the other side
transformed and that's actually how
people learn
every time you learn something you learn
because something you did didn't work
and that exposes you to the part of the
world that you don't understand
every time you're exposed to part of the
world that you don't understand you have
the possibility of rebuilding the
structures that you use to interpret the
world
that's often why it's more important to
notice that you're wrong than it is to
prove that you're right one of the
things that you're supposed to learn in
university is precisely that
it might be useful to listen to people
that annoy you on the off chance that
they know something that if they tell
you you can use instead of dying
talking to people who agree with what
you say is like walking around in a
desert you already know everything that
they say the reason you're associating
with them in that situation is so that
they never say anything that challenges
you because you're afraid that if you go
outside of what you understand that you
won't be able to tolerate the chaos
but it isn't the case people have an
unbelievable capacity to face and
overcome things they don't understand
and not only that that's essentially
what gives life its meaning the
buddhists say life is suffering
and you think well if that's the case
why bother with it
and people do ask that question and they
ask it in ways that result in their own
destruction and worse in the destruction
of others and suffering is real and it's
inescapable
so the question is what do you do about
it
you notice in your own life and you can
do this by watching your own life i
often ask my clients to do this say look
watch your life for a week
and pretend you don't know who you are
because you don't know who you are at
all
what you understand most about yourself
are the arbitrary presuppositions that
you use to hem yourself in
and you act as if those presuppositions
are true so that
the revelation of the full nature of
your character won't terrify you
people hide in their own boxes and it's
not surprising but it's not a good idea
because life is too hard to hide in a
box you can't manage it if you do that
if you watch yourself for a week you'll
see certain things you'll see some of
the time that you're resentful and
annoyed and those are times when you're
either taking advantage of yourself or
you're thinking improperly
some of the time you'll be bored
in which case you're either
undisciplined or you're probably
pursuing something you don't want to
pursue
and some of the time you'll actually be
engaged in life
and the times that you're engaged in
life you won't notice that you're there
right the distinction between subject
and object disappears when you're
engaged in something that you find
meaningful
the purpose of life as far as i can tell
from studying mythology and from
studying psychology for decades
is to find a mode of being that's so
meaningful that the fact that life is
suffering is no longer relevant or maybe
that it's even acceptable
and i would say as well that people know
when they're doing that
you know when you're doing that in part
because you're no longer resentful you
think geez i could do this forever right
there's a timelessness timelessness
that's associated with that state of
being from a mythological perspective
that's equivalent to brief habitation of
the kingdom of god
that's the place where you are that's so
meaningful that it enables you to bear
the harsh preconditions of life without
becoming resentful bitter or cruel
and there's nothing that you can pursue
in your life that will be half as useful
as that
your nervous system being an evolved
structure is evolved for a universe that
is composed of the interaction between
chaos and order those are the most
fundamental constants that we know they
transcend the mere perception of objects
everywhere you go is chaos in order
traditional chinese doctors go into
people's houses to diagnose why it is
that someone in that house is suffering
and they walk in and they think
there's too much order here
i've been in houses like that
that's a house where all the furniture
is covered with plastic
that's a house where if you put a glass
on a wooden table the mistress of the
house runs over with the coaster slips
it under immediately and gives you a
dirty look
that's a place where there's so much
order that no one can survive because
the person who runs the house is a
tyrant and then you can walk into a
house that's completely different and
you can even see this in your own room
if you want everything's in complete
disarray you can't even look at that
place you're sick the moment you cross
the threshold because everywhere you
look there's parts of
untransformed chaos yelling to you
do something about this loser