she deserves and she needs to believe
that she deserves
more period and you need to be with
somebody that makes you feel like that
period hey everybody
welcome to another episode of
relationship theory i'm your co-host tom
bilyeu and i am here with my deeply
fatigued
albeit still amazingly gorgeous wife
elizabeth
what's up homie let's get right in all
right first question this is from erica
i have a boyfriend i really love and
admire but he feels disconnected with
everything the relationship
and his projects we live in different
cities and he says he doesn't know
if he wants to see me again we have been
together for two years i travel every
two to three months to visit him
and he says he doesn't know why he
should be in a relationship
he says he is surrounded by failed
relationships and he compares me with
his mom
and what she went through with his dad
until they got divorced
he says he doesn't know if he is someone
good to have a relationship with because
for
him there are two parts one the path of
greatness to the path of family
i don't know if i should end the
relationship or give him space
wow so yeah this is where i
earned my reputation for being the
cold-hearted bastard like
i i don't personally understand
when a relationship seems to have very
little that it's giving and a whole lot
that it's taking i don't understand
um acting as if the relationship in and
of itself is a sacred thing that has to
be protected
so there's no mention of kids here which
definitely would complicate the issue
they're not even married
if he's saying i don't even know if i
want to be with you i don't know if i
want to be in a relationship if i'm good
to be in a relationship
like there is so much work that needs to
be done
for certainly for him to find the
stability and all of that
and is this all just a guy's for he's
just not that into you
and otherwise he is fine and he just
doesn't know how to communicate
that or is he really that dysfunctional
where he thinks so little of himself
that he doesn't even know if he should
be in a relationship
this relationship to me sounds like it
has just an
extreme level of dysfunction i mean
dysfunction in the sense that
it is not functioning in a way that i
would say is
worth the sacrifices of being in a
relationship it's not making them each
feel better about themselves it's not
lifting each other up they're not
working together on common goals like
it just there are things that make a
relationship thrive and the easiest way
to say it is
do you feel like you're their number one
do you feel better about yourself when
you're around them
like once those things stop being true
then it's like well if you guys like
she's not sure if she should give him
space or work with him
he's not sure if he should even be in a
relationship he's not sure if he wants
to be on what he calls the path of
greatness or the path of family
which to me they are not mutually
exclusive they definitely are trade-offs
there's no question there's very much
reason i did not have
a traditional family but for me
like our marriage is the highest
priority and
it's worth those sacrifices and it's
worth it in the times where i say
doing this would be good for business
like literally just today
there was an awesome opportunity that
came up and
jun didn't even get the words out of her
mouth and i was like
she said you've been invited to dinner
no i was like absolutely not
and she was and i said you know tell me
what the dinner is
and it was like actually good and it's
one of those from a business perspective
i should go to
you need to talk to me about that
because you didn't say you said no
because so we can spend time together i
said no
out of a selfish desire to spend time
with my wife
so that's and
and because my response is like depends
what dinner it was
right and look there is a threshold
where it's like hey steven spielberg
called he wants you to come
cool i'll be there um but
it's it is a comically high bar right
now and
when people don't have that when the
relationship does not seem worth that
sacrifice
that's okay and i think where i
disconnect with people is i don't feel
people have a moral obligation to be in
a relationship
i don't think that a dysfunctional
relationship makes your life better than
being alone
and i think when people are afraid to be
alone that is something that has to be
faced
and so when being alone is a beautiful
experience and being in a relationship
is just a
more beautiful experience than being a
relationship and yes i get it there's
ups and downs and it's work and all that
and but i think part of that is
beautiful and like
like i said earlier the building lives
together like it's beautiful and it's
worth
every ounce of the up and down but when
it's like
just down then i'm not sure what people
are fighting so hard for i would say
reset
focus on yourself get into doing the
self-development work that will be
tremendously rewarding
and then approach another relationship
or even this one again
once you've both done the work to come
back together but just staying in a
relationship that that isn't
feeding you emotionally i don't
understand yeah
i'm gonna pick up my mic a bit here
hopefully don't deafen people because i
want to say this but i want to get
really close erica you're worth more
honey
like i really mean it like for someone
to say
they don't know if they want to see me
again and they don't know if i want to
be in
any relationship and that i just remind
them of their mum
like erica you're worth more
period like it actually breaks my heart
actually getting a little emotional
right now because
she feels like she has to cling on to
this guy
and i get it like there's some she may
love him
and all of that but like man you you
should be with somebody that's making
you feel amazing
you deserve to be with somebody that's
telling you how
special you are and yes there are going
to be relationships of course it's not
always going to be like that so i'm
never saying like me and you have the
perfect relationship you always make me
feel special
at all times but of course you make me
feel special of course you make me feel
wanted that's why i want to
be in this relationship and when someone
is deliberately not thinking about you
and not
caring about how they're going to make
you feel
like that isn't a relationship to me and
i'm like kind of getting hard now on
this answer
yeah yeah but i really mean it like she
deserves and she needs to believe
that she deserves more period
and you need to be with somebody that
makes you feel like that
period and that's all i have to say on
the matter
word i felt very strongly about that one
i like that
and yeah i mean do the work on thyself
do the work on thyself
because i think you're right part of
this is she's not sure
what her value is which means she needs
to do the work
you